Back at it again!

Aww yes! It has been a good almost 11ish years since I held down a regular job that didn’t involve me being an entrepreneur. I was apart of the mommy drain (not returning back to work after having a baby). After establishing several successful businesses and a good chunk of my kiddos are going to school, I often wondered if I would ever return back to the corporate world? especially after I finished my education. We all know being a SAHM ( or SAHD) is it’s own challenge in itself, but add in working from home…the party really gets wild. For a lot of people Covid forced parents who worked outside the home to suddenly become WAH parents. For us, this didn’t apply because I was already a SAHM.

I knew this day would come because originally I never wanted to be as they would say “just” a SAHM. I think I worked harder than I ever have being a SAHM and being self employed. I enjoyed having a career and the adult interaction. Being a stay at home mom can be lonely at times and can impact mental health especially if the person had an abrupt lifestyle change. This is in no way to shit on being a SAHM because trust me it has had a lot of perks. Did I always enjoy it? fxck no! but I am also glad I was able to comfortably enjoy it at the same time. SO after some back and forth, chats with my beau, and trying to really figure out what I wanted to do…One day I just said to hell with it, and I took a leap and revamped my resume and started slanging applications in all directions. However, I was adamant…if I could not work from home I was not interested in returning back to the corporate world. The conditions had to be really RIGHT or close to PERFECT for me to give up my SAHM lifestyle. Now if you have been following me forever, then you may be surprised that I am returning back to work.

I think I put in like a million applications and got discouraged at one point (ok several points). My husbae at first wasn’t really feeling the idea. To my surprise, I landed several job interviews quickly. Some were not a good fit at all and I had to decline. Yes, some companies were not cool with the fact that I have basically been off the grid doing my own thing forever, and some were intimidated by me having an advanced education for some of the more entry level careers that only required a bachelors. It is widely known that companies do not favor people who have taken significant time off to care for their home and families, so you have got to really sell yourself! I was determined to find something that would value my worth, compensate me well for it and respect my wishes to maintain as close to the lifestyle I am used to within reason. Now my first few interviews I totally bombed those because I was def out of touch with the process lol!

10 tips for returning

back to work as a WAHM

  • Utilize social media to connect with other moms who work from home. NETWORK! They may have job leads! Pick their brain, ask questions to get an idea of what to expect and maybe some things to try to make the transition easier. It is always nice to have someone to relate to. I am a member of several SAHM groups, but when I solidified my decision to return back to work I joined a few. They are def different from SAHM groups just a heads up.
  • If you are returning back on your own terms def do not pick something that you know you will dislike. For example sales. Yes sales jobs are very easy to get with no experience for some companies but selling things by cold calling or leads is not for everyone. Try to scout out jobs or positions you feel will be fulfilling and enjoyable. Do not become desperate for a job. Stay focused and try to target jobs that really align with your background and skill level. Be open to trying something new within reason.
  • If you have a baby or smaller children who may be noisy etc, opt for positions that do not require or have limited phone interactions. There are jobs that are remote that are text, chat or e-mail based.
  • There will be disruptions. Hello KIDS (and pets) ! Try to limit the distractions and disruptions by planning ahead. If you are in control of your schedule, opt for working during naptime if you can. Make sure kids are settled, changed, fed etc.
  • CREATE A SCHEDULE AND TRY TRY TRY TO STICK TO IT! Try to start the day the same way on the days you work. You both will need to be on a schedule. Checking emails, meetings, Movie time, snack time, lunch time, nap time etc.
  • If you are uptight about screen time, this is the time to get over it. Screen time isn’t all that bad. It’s the content. This is just my opinion, but your kiddos will def utilize screen time a lot while you are working to stay occupied and quieter.
  • Make a to-do list that is doable and reasonable. Laundry, cleaning, etc. Don’t overwhelm yourself trying to do it all in one day.
  • If you have access to a helping hand, accept the help.
  • When your attention is divided between your laptop and your kiddos, it is easy to lose track of time. Use your time wisely and pay attention to the clock. Try to limit the temptation of social media during productive time. There are apps that can help with this if you need help not accessing them during certain times of the day.
  • Don’t be too hard on yourself and set boundaries. Easier said than done. You may think you can do it all and try to prove that you can. Don’t be unrealistic. This is not healthy behavior and will surely ruin your work/life balance. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get everything done. Being a WAHM may have it’s perks and conveniences, but like being a SAHM it is not easy. Accept you will still be a busy and sometimes tired human.

If you are deciding to return back to work as a WAHM after being a stay at home mom, just know the process may be frustrating and take weeks or months; but once you find your right gig, you can make a way! Think about it, you made a way to survive off one income for this long and taking care of tiny humans etc. alone each day. Support being a SAHM is important for success, and support is a big key to success with this new adventure of being a WAHM. We will see how this goes!

The best wig for lazy mamas

*Sponsored Post*

I chopped my past shoulder length hair off 2 years ago. Since then I have chopped it off two more times switching up the style. My goal for 2021 was to grow my hair back out. I learned a lot about my natural hair these past two years and I found that I was doing too much to it. I have always loved wigs even when my hair was long. I love them because when I want a certain color or cut, I can have it without the commitment. Wearing wigs is a great alternative for switching up your hairstyles easily and slaying at the last minute. I always said that I didn’t want to fall in the mommy hole of “letting myself go”. Well life happens and at one point I did. Once I dragged myself out of my last episode of depression, I made it a point to make sure I kept myself up the way I used to but in a way that was easier for me to manage. When you feel sexy and confident it definitely can boost your mood!

Wigs give me the creative freedom I need to express myself with my hair and also protect my natural hair while it is growing out. Don’t get me wrong; there is a wrong way to wear wigs that will cause damage t your hair. I tried lace front wigs and I was not a fan of gluing the wig to my head. I mainly wear glueless wigs or wigs with bangs that are throw and go. Throw and go means, take the wig off the mannequin, put it on and handle business. As a mom and small business owner, I do not have a lot of time to commit to getting ready to leave the house when I need to run errands or if I need to step out quickly. However, I do not want to leave the house looking busted either. Wigs have literally saved me from being late to my lash appointments and events with friends. Sometimes styling wigs can be time consuming and challenging; especially when you are not that great of a hair stylist like me. People always ask me what can’t I do? I reply HAIR! ya girl can’t do hair. Ya girl can’t even cornrow okay!? My hair is still pretty short, so I am not able to pull it up into a bun, do most crochet braid hairstyles, or attach a pony tail. I started looking for something besides head wraps that would be convenient, easy to style, could protect my natural hair, and slay at the same time! I discovered headband wigs! They are pretty trendy at the moment and you will notice a lot of people are starting to wear them. They legit are the bomb and a gamer changer for the wig industry and mom life!

One of my favorite sites to purchase my wigs from is Luvme Hair! They offer a huge selection of great quality wigs in different trendy styles and colors.

Here are some reasons to add a headband wig to your collection:

  • They are great wigs for beginners who are new to wearing wigs & Lazy mama friendly
  • You need absolutely No Glue! There is No Lace to cut or dye, and they look Super Realistic when style properly
  • You need Zero hair Skills to be able to put this wig on. The Install takes a few minutes after you put your wig cap on and/or lay your edges
  • The wig is breathable & the headband is comfortable because you can adjust it as needed
  • You can style it into a Ponytail or Bun
  • Affordably Priced compared to traditional lace front wigs,
  • They look Gorgeous
  • Luvme Hair gives you 5 Extra Trendy Headbands For Free when you purchase a headband wig from them

So let’s jump into the wig that Luvme Hair sent me to review!

I love the packaging!!!!! The wig came in a pretty purple box tied with a bow. Inside the wig is in a nice bag and also had some extra goodies in the box! A edge brush/comb, bobby pin, hair ties, a cute scarf for laying your edges down, extra headbands, a cute storage pouch for accessories, tweezers, a wig cap, and a blinged out Luvme Hair clip! There are also instructions for wearing the wig and taking care of it!

I took the wig out of the packaging and put it on my mannequin head. These style wigs are best to finger comb but you can lightly comb it if needed. The length, color, and density for this unit was on point!

After inspecting the wig, I brushed my hair back and put on a wig cap

Once I put the wig on, I adjusted the headband straps. The black band is sewn to the hair and is how you attach it to your head. There are also combs located inside of the wig to secure it. Be sure not to make the headband too tight because this can cause damage and headaches. You can’t be cute and uncomfortable!

Once I adjusted the wig to the position I wanted, I put on one of the headbands that Luvme Hair included

Headband wigs do offer versatility. You can wear it down, in a pony tail, in a ballerina bun or my fav, a messy bun! You can show your edges that’s up to you, but depending on the style, I cover mine.

So that’s it yall! Headband wigs are the best wig option for lazy mamas and this unit from Luvme Hair is a winner! These wigs can last a good while as long as you properly take care of them. So get out there and slay mamas and do it effortlessly!

If you want to buy this particular unit, click here! It’s currently limited edition, and wig prices vary depending on the length you buy. Luvme does accept Afterpay, it’s a payment plan option if you are on a budget; because we all know kids are expensive and wigs are an investment!

To learn more about the other beautiful wigs Luvme Hair has to offer, you can visit them via one of the links below!

Website: https://shop.luvmehair.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/luvmehair
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/luvmehair
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/msluvmehair

*Sponsored post*

Do you wear wigs? Have you tried a headband wig yet? Let’s chat! Leave me a comment!

We are all mad here

My previous mental healthcare provider for a lack of better words was complete shit. I have wasted 2 years of my time with them. I recently became fed up with them and started to look for a new doctor. I came across this service called Cerebral. They basically offer virtual mental health services for a monthly fee * They do not deal with patients who have severe issues*. They have medication management, therapy and counseling. My anxiety has been pretty well managed; however, the depression not so much. I have felt for some time now that something still wasn’t right. The meds I was on were working to an extent but not 100%. After they fucked up my treatment plan and my medications, they basically stopped following up and fed me bullshit when I have had appts. After my first appointment with my new provider via Cerebral, it was determined during my extensive appointment and assessment that there was something else going on and not what they thought or guessed. My anxiety was confirmed. The OCD was confirmed. The PMDD was cancelled out and the MDD (depression) was basically a competency error of my previous provider’s part. Depression is sometimes confused with a few mental health disorders. One of them commonly being Bipolar disorder; which is sometimes hard to diagnose.

Hi, My name is Breyona and I am bipolar.

The crazy thing about all of this is I knew. I knew there was something else. I knew it was not just depression. It was not getting better, but it was not getting worse if that makes sense? It was more so semi managed by the wrong medication. I still had episodes of agitation etc. even on the main med. The reason I was failing so many drugs was because they kept giving me SSRI (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) medications and not medications meant for mood stabilization. So when I was in school obtaining my psychology degrees, I briefly touched on certain topics such as medications. I hadn’t gotten to that point in my education. SSRI’s are not the best thing to prescribe to someone who has bipolar disorder because it can induce mania. In my case it did. It has thrown me for a loop because hello! I have several degrees in psychology and a med education history (I dropped out). I basically diagnosed myself but then had several people tell me I was wrong lol. I was never in denial. I knew. At the end of the day it is called practicing medicine after all.

So here I am in 2021, writing yet another blog about my mental disorders only to completely change the narrative of this blog. I have always been a big mental health advocate but this is going to make me advocate harder for better mental health care. Since I have shared more about my journey with my mental issues, I have built rapport with a lot of my blog’s followers. There are a lot of people who can relate but in confidentiality. I hate that the topic of mental disorders (I do not like to use the words Mental illness) is still taboo especially in the minority community. I don’t care if people view me as being “crazy” or whatever, but in reality there are a lot of people who have a high level of intelligence that have a mental disorder. People get the misconception that when a person is diagnosed with a mental disorder, it means that they are not intelligent. Granted, there are some mental disorders that impact intelligence, not all of them do. Bipolar disorder is often called the dark side of creativity. A lot of “creative” individuals such as myself are commonly diagnosed with some form of bipolar disorder.

One of my favorite stories of all time is Alice in Wonderland. I have several tattoos with the theme. Even as a kid I loved this story. I was immediately drawn to the characters of the Mad hatter and the white rabbit who was always late. If you analyze the story, there are several things that stick out about the characters. Hence we are all mad here.

Alice was schizophrenic

The white rabbit had anxiety

The queen was a narcissist

The mad hatter had bipolar disorder or manic depression

The caterpiller had delusions of grandeur

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum had ADHD

So what happens now?

So what happens now is, I begin my new journey of figuring out what the fuck is wrong with me and making it right. I will start the new medication soon. We are leaving everything else the same dosage and schedule wise. The only thing that changes is the SSRI will be eliminated and the mood stabilizer will be in it’s place. I am told I should see a big difference and get more relief within the next few weeks. TBH, I have been waiting for this moment since I was 13. I am glad that I decided not to continue to be told that I was wrong about how I felt. It’s my fucking brain after all. I am proud of myself for not giving up on me. I am holding myself accountable for my wellbeing. I refuse to give up on me period. I will be utilizing my time this year to get ready for our next move into our brand new 2nd home, sticking with my treatment plan and utilizing therapy once again (even though I know my triggers and have basically eliminated a lot of them, in case I have missed something), continue to grow my successful businesses, and work more on my art to really push my paintings. You can either be here for the growth and the glow up or unsubscribe/unfollow now because I am just getting started.

SDS: MILF Life

You would think by the 21st century women would not be slut shamed anymore. Female sexuality has a lot of imposed restrictions and significant negative attitudes about it.  It is no secret I am a very sexual person. I am 32 years old, healthy and energetic. I have always had a high sex drive and it hasn’t slowed down; even after I became a mom. I have been told you shouldn’t post that because you are a mom. You shouldn’t wear that because you are a mom. You have a bunch of girls and show cleavage and wear tight pants and short shorts…..the list goes on and on. Unfortunately, in this world, there are many believers in “the hand that rocks the cradle shouldn’t rock the bedroom”. Research has shown that 1/3 of couples married and unmarried experience a drastic loss of sexual desire after they have children.  Many women have a hard time separating their identity of mom and lover. Yes, children are a rival for affection against your boo…I get it. I am very open on this blog so if you are uncomfortable about sex talk then this is not the post for you to read. Come back when you are ready to not be a prude.

I have always preached the importance of not losing your identity after having kids. I do not put my children first all the time. In some cultures, men are often thought as horny, porn watching, sex all the time, masturbating creatures. Sadly, science and research usually support these stereotypes about men always thinking about sex most of the day, than chicks do; men jack off or masturbate more than females, men have more intense sexual feelings and that men have more orgasms, more often than women. News flash buddy, there are A LOT of women who love sex, watch porn and try to sink the little man in the pink canoe frequently!

I would say over the last 20 years (remember I am only 32 so a lot of this is research based) researchers have revisited common feelings about sexuality. Earlier research on female sexuality pretty much determined that the subject was not important. Women were extensively excluded from clinical trials and surveys in regards to sexual health. Today, there are more female scientist and because of this finally, more attention is being paid to the subject of female sexuality. Research has found there are parts of the brain that light up when there is clitoral, vaginal, cervical, and nipple stimulation (not breastfeeding this is different). It is common to think that women don’t naturally feel the urge for sex and that we can only get in the mood if there is foreplay, dirty talk and lots of romance. Actually, some of us don’t really care about that shit. I have heard that women are like crockpots and men are like microwaves. It takes longer for us to heat up. Some of us don’t need the desire to be initiated. Women sexuality really isn’t that complicated. Now it is true that when it is ovulation time and such that the hormones are raging for meat. This is a natural thing for mating purposes. Some women have a low libido from stress, sleep deprivation and being depressed. But all of these things can fuck up a guy’s libido too. They are not some immortal sexual beings. Our society still stigmatizes ladies who are open about their sexuality and usually view them as slutty etc. Some women have higher sex drives than their man’s. The media never portrays it that way and it makes some women feel like there is something wrong with them because they really like sex.

As a woman ages and gain sexual experiences, we learn ways to receive pleasure more so than ways on how to give it. If the dick is trash, she pretty much knows it as soon as the encounter starts based on previous experiences. How do you know you want to buy a car if you don’t test drive it? It is okay for men to sleep with multiple women, but let a female sleep with a bunch of men. All hell breaks loose. She is labeled with derogatory terms or deemed to be “undesirable”.  There is nothing wrong with a female testing the waters to figure out what she likes and doesn’t like as long as it is in a safe manner and situation. There are a million things that tell women how to please a man…but where is all the stuff about how to please a chick? For a long time, there was this whole thing with guys where they were ashamed to admit that they eat pussy. However, they all wanted girls to suck on their lil peepees….Chicks like head too dammit!

I experienced something with my husband that I had never experienced before. A night that was all about me. Have you ever had that? If not voice that to your partner and let them figure out the deets. This will tell you if they really pay attention to your pleasure and truly know how to get you to arrive at the party (orgasm). You might be met with some resistance and what about me? Comebacks, but there are a decent amount of guys that have yet to figure out that your pleasure is their pleasure. Different factors make women aroused and ready to party but there are usually A LOT of factors that will put the fire out. Selfishness being one of them.

Things that will impact your response to sex include:

  • How you feel about yourself
  • How you feel about your partner
  • Health
  • And a big big one is if you were brought up religious or like apart of a strict culture.

I don’t want to go much into religion, but I was brought up in a religious home and sex was not something that was supposed to be casual or even fun. In fact that shit sounded so boring and the fact that it was all about the man and being pure for him etc did not sit well with me. This is my body and I am not property. Sex is not just touchy feely. It is an emotional connection, even if that connection is Netflix and chill. Did you know that today’s negative views about female sexuality was formed by culture and religion? A long long time ago, it was believed that ladies who loved to have sex were considered mentally ill or a witch. Today if you don’t desire sex, a doctor will diagnose you with hyposexual disorder. Please do not take this as if you have low libido that something is super wrong with you. That isn’t true. For me when my libido tanked it was a big indicator that my anxiety and depression meds were not working for me. I enjoy sex and not being able to enjoy it anymore surely was not going to make me feel any happier or less anxious.  Media plays a big part in destroying a woman’s self esteem. Self esteem impacts sexual desire. I have pretty average to high self esteem and I feel like I look good which makes me feel sexy. Apparently being a mom, you are not supposed to be “sexy”.

I have had my issues with self-image and I did something about it. When I made changes and felt better, it boosted my emotional spirit and I felt like I was my old self. In my super late teens and 20s I was promiscuous. I am never afraid to tell people this. Yes, I had A lot of sex, but I was safe with it. Most women have their sexual renaissance later in life, I had mine earlier lol. Sexual prime can show up at any age. For me it was then but really pulled up once I turned 30. There has never been a culture or religion that I have come across that encourages a female to experiment and discover their sexuality. Instead, we are taught to CENSOR it. I learned over time boundaries and what is acceptable sexual behavior…acceptable sexual behavior for a female is basically to not be sexy. Modesty has long been the way of life. I am not a modest person and I am ok with that.  I have been told that I don’t dress like a mom or look like a mom. I don’t understand that shit. It sounds absolutely ridiculous.  Mainstream hook up culture has been booming the past few years. This mostly started with porn. Because of this, sex is looked at as a detached thing with no meaning and immoral. I have never believed as a female that the purpose of sex was to make a relationship solid with a certain person. It was simply using each other’s body for pleasure. As a female and thinking this way, it is pretty much considered “slutty or Hoeish”.

Slut shaming still happens. I have been slut shamed for wearing certain tops since I am a mom, twerking since I am a mom, talking openly about sex or dicks since I am a mom etc. Let a guy do it then it is not a problem even if he is a Dad. Sex has always been looked at differently depending on if it is the man or the woman engaging. Sexual double standards praise men and put down women still to this day. Even if a guy has had more sexual partners, he would likely not desire a chick with a high body count (depending on certain factors). However, women are usually more accepting of a guy who has a high body count because society has made that to be something to expect out of men.

Even in rape cases there have been times where the number of sexual partners and her sexual behavior has been brought up in court in a way to defend the rapist or tear apart the victim’s claim. This can cause a biased verdict. Sexual double standards still exist because the idea of it is ingrained and still being assumed in our society. Guys earn status for having casual sex and smashing a lot of people and women are stigmatized. Ladies are unfairly shamed and discriminated against because of these double standards. Recently I had a nice little troll tell me I was worthless and human trash because I am a mom and have an only fans and porn hub account. There are a lot of people making money off these sites and reaching their financial goals. Yes, it is looked down on by a lot of people because of what society has taught us over the years about sex work. Newsflash, not everything on only fans is porn lol. Only fans was not created just for porn. There are bloggers on there that have a huge following and post exclusive content on there and share information on there that they do not want to share for FREE. Even if a girl is on only fans or porn hub securing the bag who the fuck cares? It’s not your body. My personal adult life is in no way a reflection of my ability to be a good mom. My life did not stop because I had kids. I am happily married and enjoying my life with my husband. I am enjoying my youth and embracing my sexiness. For a little while after I had kids I hated my body because of SNAP BACK CULTURE. I hate it and am guilty of it. After having a bunch of babies, you realize that snap back culture is stupid.

I feel sexy. I have embraced my stretch marks and curves and other people notice it. I am a MILF and I will not be ashamed of it.

E is for effort

Sometimes what we are most afraid of, we need the most to get better. The months seem to be speeding up yet going super slow. This shitty year is almost over. I found my mental health all over the place; but generally more good days than bad days. A lot of my recent issues are due to lack of effort.

effort

ef·​fort | \ ˈe-fərt  , -ˌfȯrt \

Some days it is hard to adult, mom, and wife all at the same time. The house was becoming a mess and so was I. I had to start putting in more effort to get my space out of chaos. I had to start putting in more effort into communicating when I am not ok and taking better care of me. I am not going to lie, when Covid start shutting things down it definitely triggered me. I had gotten back active, I had my body heading in the right direction, I was going to the gym 5 days per week and eating right. As months passed I gained a lot of the weight I worked hard to lose back. This made me unhappy and I fell into a pit of misery. I sulked and complained about my clothes no longer fitting and how much my back was giving me problems. I wasn’t eating right or doing shit in general to fix the issue. I tried working out at home but it was not fun or motivating. My beau bought me exercise equipment and I barely touched it. As time went on, I just stop giving a fuck. I stopped giving a fuck about a lot.

I really had to check myself when I gave a friend advice and soon after the conversation, I felt like a big ass hypocrite. How was it that I can motivate the hell out of other people, but here I am struggling with the shit myself?

My beau starting a new job was a big accomplishment this year. However, it came with a few lifestyle changes. We have had to get used to a lot. It seems like it was easier going from military to civilian versus going from the fire department to a “normal” career with a schedule that is less hectic. TBH, I kinda miss the chaos. Our new normal has a lot of good things about it which outweigh the shitty parts. We had to rearrange a few of our goals in the process. We found ourselves arguing and it got to the point were we stopped “dating”. We stopped spending quality time together, we started doing our own hobbies alone, we started to lose ourselves to our own devices.

For a while I had a fear of failure. I felt like I was failing as a wife and mom. My kids were having a terrible time with homeschooling at first and so was I. However, this is the best for them as individuals and for our family’s current schedule etc. My kids were not putting in the effort to complete their work without distractions, and I was not putting in enough effort to stay on top of everyone’s shit. I assumed they would hit the ground running. Sometimes as parents, we forget that children are not little adults. They are little humans who are learning. Just like adults hate major changes, kids do too. We had to take a break and figure things out collectively. I kept saying I am going to be more involved, I am going to do this and that. But the fear of failure and lack of effort made me my own worst enemy. The fear of failure is not always a bad thing though. Being afraid to fail keeps us from settling. It keeps us for settling for things that are just ok or good enough to get by. Not settling for shit plays a big part in being successful at things and putting your best foot forward. When something is good enough, the better thing is no longer an option because you settled.

Failing teaches important lessons. I know that I won’t succeed at parenting and other things all the time. However, I can try to control what I choose to do with the failure and decide if it truly was failure or a success. From my kids being home, I learned more about their individual learning styles. I found out more about things they are disinterested in and what they are more interested in and passionate about. I also learned how much alcohol and coffee fuels the day lol! I have readjusted my schedule, plans, and even several of my small businesses.

I have suffered a small number of personal embarrassments and a little bit of humiliation I handled myself in these moments ok, and used it as a wonderful lesson to strengthen my character, fuel my ambitions, and learned how to love harder. Everyone is going through something at the moment. When you really dig in and learn the truth about yourself, you will tap into how much integrity you possess or lack.

I have made more of an effort to listen to my children. Kids tell it like it is. Unfiltered truth about certain things and situations. Now my kids do say some off the wall shit from time to time that is hilarious, they also say things that hurt but have a well meaning message. My kids noticed that I had become inactive and that I wasn’t taking the best care of myself. That I wasn’t taking my anxiety and depression meds properly and that I seemed unhappy. This stung like hell. I took it as a big sign that I needed to get my shit together.

I was working on shit that didn’t inspire me anymore. I started cleaning up my friend’s list on social media and in real life. I had over 10k followers on IG and I ended up removing a lot of people who were following me or I was following them. Protect your peace. If someone does not add to your peace and happiness, if you feel a certain way when you see their post etc, delete them and move on. This may seem like a strange choice for a person like me who blogs and such and numbers mean a lot in that world. This started to mean less to me because it is always quality of quantity. I want people who want to genuinely follow me, follow along. I want those who truly want to support me support me. I have been working on defining my content, my Etsy shop, my body, my mind and my circle.

I start my days by reading an positive affirmation. I try not to begin my day on a negative note but it does happen from time to time. This can be due to not properly planning, rushing, procrastinating and not managing stress well. If you start your day off on a positive note and remember the good feelings, you will make a connection that you have set the tone and should try to maintain it for the rest of the day.

Make an effort to stop settling for less than you deserve. This can be relationships, friendships and careers. Use negative experiences as a way to define boundaries. If things always went our way, we would have no room to learn how to love and appreciate the things we have that are amazing while we have them.

Growing up as a black nerd

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a bit of a nerd…well geek in some cases. Yes there is a difference between a nerd and a geek .

A Geek usually is an enthusiast of a certain topic or field. Geeks tend to be more collection aligned, and more “matter of fact” like by learning facts and buying merchandise related to their interests. They are also very obsessed with the newest, coolest (and sometime lamest), things that are relevant to their interest.

A Nerd is a very intellectual person, usually very educated when it comes to a particular topic or field that they are interested in. Nerds are “goal” oriented, and focus their efforts obtaining knowledge and new skills over trivia and merchandise.

Both are dedicated to their subjects of interest, and tend to be awkward socially. (hence me with having social and general anxiety), The biggest difference is that geeks are fans of their interests and subjects, and nerds are participants of theirs. A good example: A computer geek might read lots of blogs and join forums to find out when the latest PC game is coming out and the specifications, while a computer nerd might read coding books and research the game’s algorithms. While they are not synonyms, many geeks are also nerds (and vice versa). This is pretty much what I am. I am a nerd but also a geek.

So I love history and anything related to space. If you follow me on Instagram, you probably notice I have a lot of NASA and astronaut stuff. I also love Astrology. I used to be a big gamer but now I only game here or there. I love cosplay and we usually attend Dragon Con every year. It is nice to share these common interest with people because it makes for some interesting conversations and debates. Being a nerd is already challenging growing up, but being BLACK and nerdy growing up was pretty unique, lonely at times, and just an overall big life lesson in tolerance, diversity, and self esteem. There are a lot of black stereotypes and general depictions of black culture that are cliche; but you do not really see much geared towards the black nerds and geeks of the world. There was a big struggle for me with accepting my identity because of how my peers received my uniqueness. I can not even count how many times someone told me I “acted white” because of certain things that I was into, or that I “talked white” because I spoke pretty properly. Being ridiculed for liking certain things and hearing “black people don’t do that or like that, that’s white people shit” always used to confuse me. What is truly talking or acting white or black?

Growing up I found myself wondering if I was geeky or nerdy enough to even label myself as such? It was bad enough I was having an identity issue of not being black enough for some of my peers. I consider being a nerd/geek it’s own culture. Growing up as a black nerd, I am well aware of how race does impact the nerd/geek culture. I can recall countless times of seeing trolls and people in general pissed off that a certain character is being played by someone of a different race. I do understand, that like historical figures should be played by whatever race they were/are, but with fictional characters….who the fuck cares? I found that people didn’t get me.They didn’t understand my interests or why i loved certain things and that caused a big disconnection. They made fun of me for the way dressed, the music I listened to, even the things I ate such as sushi etc.

I would see certain cosplay events and there would hardly be any black people. It is still kind of like that at Dragon Con. However, over the years there have been more black cosplayers attending. Black nerds are referred to as Blerds. When I learned this term, it actually helped me connect with other black nerds and geeks online. I had other people I could interact with who I shared common interests with. My circle of friends is you guessed it a nice lil group of nerds and geeks. Majority black. This circle was formed over years of failed friendships, and weeding out the ones who were just here for the wrong reasons. I never have to explain things to them, or feel judged, or water down the shit I am into. You should always have people around you who you can truly be yourself around. We attend conventions together, cosplay together, game together, and even our little geeks in the making are good friends.

One year that I went to Dragon Con, I was informed by several people that a site had featured me cosplaying as Chun-Li on their page. They referred to me as Cosplay Bae. I was flattered but also not too happy about it. The internet is a cruel place. There were mean comments. I got called a “bed wench” , “white man’s whore“, and a bunch of other bullshit. The crazy thing is, I didn’t know what the fuck a bed wench was. I had to google that shit and when I found the definition, I must admit I got pissed. What pissed me off even more, these fucked up comments were all from other black people. Some commented on other female black cosplayers pics and said they were only doing it for attention or trying to appeal to white men. One thing I learned a long time ago, was that I would constantly be a target for what I liked and loved, and that I would have to defend myself against bullies who felt I wasn’t “black enough” or that I was “selling out” or whatever the fuck it is called. I get it, comics and stuff mainly features characters who are not of color and that is why it has long been associated as a white thing. I found something very common when I talked to other black nerds and geeks…bullying.

I am also noticing that the nerd and geek culture seems to be getting more popular these days. Nerds and geeks have forever been the characters that get treated like shit and weren’t considered cool. Now it seems if you are a nerd or geek you aren’t really an outcast. I have never been on to conform and been mainstream; but now it seems that being the way I have been for 32 years is becoming mainstream. I think more so things have changed because I am not a kid anymore and my fellow nerds and geeks are also grown ass people. We do heckle each other here and there but just know if you come for one of us, there is a whole community that will jump in and defend their fellow nerds and geeks.

I think one of the biggest lessons I have learned from being a nerd/geek is the art of not giving a fuck. Not being sensitive to people’s comments and teasing because guess what? I have heard it all before. No one has come up with any new insults. I love that there are numerous conventions now and not just chat rooms. I love that social media has groups and hashtags to let you connect with other people around the world where there are no fucks given and it is a safe space. I love showing and teaching my children that it is OK to be yourself and fuck what people think.

My oldest was teased a little in school about being a nerd but he hung out with other “wimpy kids“. However, the thing is about the so called wimpy kids…they will beat your ass if need be and pushed to that point. I learned to defend myself early. This started with teasing at home just like any other household where there are siblings. Fast forward to being in school…I was ready. My nerdy ass would hurt your feelings in a calculated way. Simply put, leave the black nerds alone and let them enjoy what they like. Old and young. The older you become the more you learn to control your anger and shittiness; but at the same time some people never do.

Changes

Finally I have gotten my shit together with this blog again. I know people would rather watch Youtube, listen to podcasts and such; but to be honest, that is just not me. I do a lot of videos on Instagram so that is the best place to catch my rants and raves. I prefer the old fashion way of blogging. I see a lot of you have stuck with me since 2016 and I appreciate it so much. So of course things look a bit different. There will be a few more changes as time goes on as far as content, the blog layout and more. I am pretty damn excited y’all!

It has been one month since hubby quit the fire department and started his new job working in his degree field of engineering. It has taken some getting use to with him being home every night. Mainly it has been an issue schedule wise for me because instead of 48-hours to get stuff done I have a few hours to get most of the house stuff taken care of, on top of running my businesses. We haven’t been eating dinner on time and that is something I have to really work on, especially with school starting back soon. Other counties are already back in, but we were pushed out. We went from starting August 3rd to starting Sept 8th. We will be doing school completely online. Including Kali…for Pre-K. Y’all just get ready for plenty of rants and such. This is Cameron’s last year of elementary school. It feels kind of weird that I am about to have a middle schooler in my house. The boys didn’t really care about going back in person, but toots who is ms. popular cried. *so dramatic* I know the kids aren’t happy being shut in like this but I do try to make them get off the electronics and go tf outside.

Roxy and Remy are advancing nicely now. Roxy talks more than Remy, but Remy is the mean one and also the one who picks up on and uses bad words. Her favorite bad word is Shxt. I know at the start of this blog it was more mom and family centered, but I decided it is time to re-purpose this thing more into a personal/lifestyle blog. I am basically treating this as my digital journal. You won’t find long drawn out bullshxt before you get to the recipes and shxt like that. You will continue to find realness as usual and basically continue to follow me on my path to mental wellness and more! I am still having my daily battles but more good day than bad days. In case you are new here, this is my diagnosis: MDD-Major Depressive Disorder, PMDD-Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, OCD-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety (both general and social). I take 5 medications per day. 3 in the morning and 2 at bedtime. The panic attacks still happen here and there but are more manageable than they have ever been. That is always a plus. I was plagued by them at one point in time. My visits are every 3 months with my psychiatrist and are virtual. They have been virtual before Covid because well…anxiety.

I tried my hand at succulents and I had so many. But because of me learning how to care for them and Roxy the plant slayer, I am down to about 9 or 10. I never thought I would get into plants but there is something calming about gardening *indoors because fxck bugs*. I find it relaxing when I care for them. My favorite plant of all that I own so far is the Majesty Palm. I have admired this plant for some time now and never bought one because they look intimidating. Not to mention the one I wanted was $60…so yeah I am trying my best not to kill big daddy. IDK y’all I have managed to keep 7 human beings alive and haven’t seemed to fxck them up too badly so I think there is hope for me and the succulents.

C is for coconut

CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT

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Spelling coconut when you are doing the cowgirl position (aka riding) has been the hot topic lately. If you have been under a rock, they say when a girl is on top the trick to the cowgirl position is spelling the word COCONUT with your hips is supposed to be something magical. If you are like me, you are kind of lazy on top (don’t judge me). So I put this so-called coconut thing to the test. Let me tell you, it made my ass TIRED. I usually do things a bit differently when I handle business up top. I am not in shape for this shxt. You better pray you have good rhythm. I don’t suggest doing this hands-free. Use your hands for support.

So my experience with this went a little something like this:

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Me and my beau had a few drinks one night and decided we were going to have sexy time. I stumbled into bed and we went at it. I was rolled on top and I froze. Then I got this bright idea that I had been seeing all over social media which was the coconut riding trick….Drunk me got on top and said, “ohhhh coconuts”. My beau replied, “coconuts? what?” and I attempted it and yeeah drunk me didn’t know how to spell coconuts and I got irritated and said, “this is stupid as fxck” and we both laughed and then changed positions.

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IDK about you, but I am almost 31 and I know what I like and don’t like and what works and doesn’t works for us during sexy time…me spelling shxt while drunk…negative. Why it had to be coconuts? I know how to spell bananas even while not sober thanks to gwen stefani. If it aint broke don’t fix it. So ladies, no coconut for me but I will take my horse to the old town road and ride til I can’t no more!

Until next time,Breyona

WTF is a Quarter Life Crisis?

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I hit the big 30 last August and I am only 50 days away from my 31st trip around the sun. My emotions have been all over the place as well as my thoughts about where my future is headed. I have had to assume new roles, take on more responsibilities and adjust the expectations of my wants and needs. I look back on all of the degrees I have obtained and the careers I didn’t have, and suddenly felt like I sort of failed to reach goals that I set for myself years ago. I should have been almost done with med school or at least a PsyD program by now, but the twins threw that out the window (for now). Quarter life crisis happens when you are in your 20’s or early 30s and the soul searching and stresses of life really start to build up and manifest themselves. Most people who have these crises are highly driven individuals like myself. I have been struggling because I feel like I am falling behind and not reaching my full potential. This, unfortunately, is true for a lot of moms, especially stay at home moms.

When you think about a life crisis, you usually automatically think about older people. Ya know? Like the movie American Beauty. Kevin Spacey had a mid-life crisis. He started to work out, become defiant and overall tried to act younger; even going so far as to do the cliche thing of buying a sports car or old school muscle car. This by far is not a mid-life crisis. There is no divorce, moving to an island or buying a cute ass 2-seater. This is soul searching and truly rooting into the adult that I am officially becoming. This is realizing that I am not 20 anymore. I am a mom of 7 kids, a wife, and a super educated SAHM. This isn’t WHO I am though. I am still Breyona, the blunt, spunky, rattlesnake that is sweet as a cupcake and a boatload of fun (when I want to be). I am also Breyona who has anxiety and depression and needs a bit more motivating and encouragement at times to keep pushing forward. I am Breyona who had to learn to love her new postpartum body and belly that will never go back to “normal”. This is who I am. I could have decided to continue to sulk in my imagined and sometimes overexaggerated misery; but instead, I got up one day and said, “you know what? Fxck this shxt.

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I cut my hair completely off…..I know I said I wasn’t going to have another Britteny Spears moment, but guess what…I did. I did the big big chop. I was always terrified of cutting my hair off. I thought I HAD to always have long hair. Ya know, because long hair is kind of like a beauty standard for most. A sign of “good health” etc. Well for me it was a pain in the ass. It took forever to style which resulted in me wearing basic ass hairstyles and not wanting to be bothered with it and not taking care of it properly. I didn’t cut my hair because I was joining the natural hair movement. I cut my hair to liberate myself from the responsibility of having to fxck with it all the time and not liking what I saw in the mirror. I felt invincible when I took those clippers and cut all of my hair that was left off. TBH I have never felt more beautiful. I feel fxcking fantastic. I have been fortunate enough to be able to rock short or long hair and still look really cute. At first, I felt like I looked like a lil boy, but as it started to grow and I saw how easy it is having short hair with no cares, I fell in love. I fell in love with this shaved head of mine. I fell in love with being able to see all of my imperfections and not being able to cover up and hide my birthmark that is on my forehead that I had covered for years.

Before I chopped off all of my hair, I did something else I had always wanted to do but wasn’t sure if I was going to do it or not. I got my nipples pierced…..yup I got my cold detectors pierced. Now it was completely random when I got it done, but I am so in love with my boobs now yall! The baby making chapter of my life closed one year ago and so did the whole making milk to keep a tiny human being alive. I finally got MY body back. Me piercing my nipples officially closed that chapter for me…not getting my tubes tied, not my beau getting a vasectomy, but me getting my nipples pierced. Unlike permanent sterilization, you can not see it. It’s not very tangible. But my titty ornaments are seen every time I am in my birthday suit or have sexy time with my beau. I know there will be no more babies and I am 10000000% fine with that. My nipple piercings have allowed me to remember I am still sexy. I am still young and spunky. Some people find intimate piercings to be trashy or slutty but to each their own. Not to mention they have made sexy time…just omg extra extra extra amazing (It was already the bomb beforehand….we have 7 kids haha).

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Now that I have cut off my hair and pierced my tits, I have a physical reminder that I am fierce as hell and I spew confidence like I never have before. I walk with my head held higher and a little bit more pep in my step. Truth be told, I really needed this quarter-life crisis. Cutting off my hair and getting the piercing I have always wanted was the body positive shift that I was missing and needed. I was always worried about how my fupa looked but now I don’t pay that any attention since I have my new accessories. Now please keep in mind titty piercing hurt like a bxtch. If you don’t have a good pain tolerance this piercing is not for you. I got them both done the same day. Some people do one and back out on the other because it hurts so bad. I am not a quitter, so I took the pain and screamed like a baby gangster.

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One of the biggest things that I have noticed that contributes to quarter-life crises is comparison. Social media is the devil when it comes to comparing your life to others. We all do it at some point. It is more common than you think. You compare your progress in life to others…their careers, relationships, homes, cars, education, kids etc. Then you sit there like damn..what am I doing wrong? I am guilty of doing this with my body. 20s seemed to be about competition. Now that I am in my 30s, it’s all about living my best life and solidarity. My degrees don’t define me, nor does me being a stay at home mom and entrepreneur.  I am no longer wondering “There’s got be more to life than this?”.  Sometimes we think we have it all and sometimes there is still something missing.

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Finally, I have figured out what was missing and have spent the past year putting the pieces together. So my friends and savages, don’t be afraid of the quarter-life crisis…sometimes it is exactly the bxtch slap in the face you need to really start living and not just existing.

Until next time,Breyona

 

 

 

 

Phoenix Series: Shake what your doctor gave you

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There are over 30 different antidepressants on the market. I take three different medications daily to control and alleviate my symptoms. It is very tedious finding the right combination of medications when you have anxiety and depression. It took 4 months before we found the right combination for me. I started off with Zoloft which worked amazingly; however, it killed my libido. The other medications we tried were Remeron, Lexapro, and Trazadone. Weight gain, low libido and not being able to achieve orgasm are common side effects of antidepressants; which is why a lot of people stop taking their medication. I was also prescribed a mood stabilizer to try to counteract this side effect as well as improve my mood and alertness. I failed 3 antidepressants before we tried the one that I am currently on. Most insurance companies have guidelines on the medications that need to be tried first in order to try other ones or they will not cover the cost of them. To fail a medication, it basically means it did not work for you or you experienced too many side effects to the point that it was deemed more harmful than helpful. During this process some of the weight I worked hard to lose came back. I gained 15 pounds back taking medications.

Currently, I take Wellbutrin and Trintellix in the morning and before bedtime I take Seroquel for my insomnia. Trintellix is fairly new, but it does not cause sexual side effects or significant weight gain like the others. The weight is starting to come off since I have been on this combination for a while now. Most antidepressants do not start working overnight. You usually don’t notice a difference until it has been about 2-4 weeks. Lexapro made me very aggressive and worsened my depression so I was quickly taken off of it. If you do not feel your meds are working for you let your doctor know. If you are experiencing a lot of side effects tell your doctor. A lot of people are embarrassed to mention the sexual side effects to their doctors, but don’t be. They need to know so they can fix the issues to keep you on your treatment plan.

Here are different types of anti-depressants. These medications are also used to treat other disorders such as anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc.

  • Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs): These are the most common medications prescribed to treat anxiety and depression. Celexa, Lexapro, Luvox, Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft. Symbyax is approved for treating depression that is treatment resistant. Yes, treatment-resistant depression is real. Abilify, Seroquel (one of the meds I take), and Rexulti are considered add-on drugs. Viibryd and Trintellix (what I currently take) are used for treating MDD and anxiety. Trintellix is also sometimes used for people who have low libido not related to depression as it has been clinically proven to increase sex drive.
  • Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs): These drugs are pretty new and they include Cymbalta, Effexor (one of the ones I failed), Fetzima, and Pristiq.
  • Norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitors (NDRIs): This is basically a mood stabilizer. Wellbutrin (what I currently take)
  • Tetracyclics are another form of antidepressants that doctors prescribe such as Asendin, Ludiomil, and Remeron (I was on this one for insomnia and it worked but made me feel groggy and irritable in the mornings). Remeron doesn’t stop the reuptake the same way as the other medications do. It stops neurotransmitters from sticking together with certain receptors on your nerves.
  • Serotonin antagonist and reuptake inhibitor (SARIs): These can help stabilize mood swings etc. Serzone and Trazodone (I was prescribed this one for insomnia but didn’t like it). jar-2338584_960_720

Just because a certain drug(s) didn’t work for me doesn’t mean it won’t work for someone else. We are all different. It is funny how these medications work. For example, some of my friends who were on Lexapro loved it. For me, I hated it and it didn’t work at all. It is best to familiarize yourself with any potential side effects that the medications may have and you and your doctor can weigh the pros and cons and see if certain risks outweigh the effectiveness of the treatment. I also like to encourage people to look into holistic remedies as well to use in conjunction with the medication.

Keep up with your prescriptions and pay attention to when you need refills. It is best to get your refills as early as you can to avoid running out of medication. However, if the person has a history of abusing medications, they will not be able to fill their prescriptions in large quantities, etc. I set reminders on my phone to take my medication. There were a few times I forgot to take them because I was not used to taking meds every day since it had been years without them. Now my husband asks if I have taken them, my oldest two know that I take medication and they know what my condition is. I explained it to them in an age-appropriate way and they have been very supportive and looking out for me and such. My bad days affected everyone. I would stay in bed, cry randomly, get angry or hostile, shut myself in, procrastinate a lot, and I lost interest in a lot of things I once enjoyed. When things got to the point where I could not function day to day and it started to impact my quality of life, it was time to seek help. I expressed my feelings to my beau and my friends and everyone encouraged me to go ahead and find a dr. I wasn’t embarrassed at all. Everyone knew something wasn’t right but didn’t know how to approach the situation. This is why stigma needs to be done with when it comes to mental health.

It is normal to feel embarrassed or defeated if you have to be put on medication. Just know that you are not alone. You will be surprised at how many people you may know who have at one point been on or currently take medication for anxiety and depression or other mental disorders. I refused to suffer in silence any longer. Do what is BEST for you. Take care of yourself and be well as a whole. I feel like I am a stronger person because I took the steps to get my shxt together instead of sulking in whatever misery my brain created. IMG_20190129_231440_080

 

Being depressed and anxious can be very lonely. It is important to have support if it’s having people around or people checking in on you. Pick someone you trust to open up to. I frequently discuss my condition with my friends and my beau. Everyone asks questions and I explain things the best I can and sometimes we try to think of solutions together. For me, having high functioning MDD and anxiety made it harder for people to acknowledge the severity of things. People like me who are high functioning can still get things done and such, be successful and interact with others by masking the symptoms. It becomes so mundane over time. Depression and anxiety doesn’t just impact the person who has it, it impacts everyone around them as well. Depression and anxiety will drain your energy, motivation, and outlook on things. If you know someone who has the condition be the support they may not know they need.

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Until next time,Breyona

Phoenix Series: Snap Out Of It

“I never believed in mental illness until it happened to me.”

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This is something I have heard a few times from different people when they speak about their condition. This doesn’t apply to me, however. I always knew it was a real thing. I always knew there was something going on with me, but I was never really clear on what it was. Diagnosing mental illnesses is very tricky. It is not like diagnosing someone with the flu etc. It takes time and lots of documentation. Before I decided it was time to go back to the doctor last year, everyone had their advice on what I should do. Don’t tell people they need to exercise, use herbal remedies etc. Encourage them to seek help from a mental health professional. Being told it could be worse is very discouraging because you feel like you are being compared to someone else or that you are a weak individual. I am not ashamed of my story because it may inspire others to get the help they truly need and deserve. I used to find myself telling people I was sick when I was having a bad day because it was easier for my friends and associates to understand me having a cold versus me trying to explain depression & anxiety.

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The deepest pain I remember feeling before I started to open up about my condition was denying that I even had something wrong with me to make everyone else feel better and more comfortable around me. I didn’t want to be looked at as a charity case or as a Debbie Downer. I also learned that anxiety really sucks and happens sometimes for no reason. I can’t recover by staying calm or breathing. I actually need the assistance of medication to limit and avoid having panic attacks. I have social and general anxiety according to my doctor. Personally, I think it is more social. Recovering from depression is more than having positive vibes. If it was that simple then no one would suffer from it. People who have mental illnesses are not weak individuals. They are very strong people even if they handle emotions differently than you do. I fight to work, take care of my family, be there for my friends, act normal, etc when I am having an episode. It is dealing with invisible pain. It’s more exhausting acting like you don’t have a mental illness, than dealing with it and treating it. Don’t do that to yourself. Stop hiding.

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Having anxiety and depression comes as a package deal. Some people would consider this as baggage. It takes a very caring and patient person to care for a person who has a mental illness. I learned that when your body is sick you get all types of sympathy…except for when your brain isn’t working properly and you have depression. It was a very frustrating time in our marriage with me trying to explain how I felt and what was going on in my head to my beau. He thought he could fix me. Hell, we both thought we could fix me. I would be okay for a while but then I would get triggered and have a mental meltdown. This happened once a month and then it started to happen more frequently. The panic attacks became my normal whenever I needed to leave the house. I shopped at Target multiple times per week to avoid the busy times and crowds. Whenever lines are long I get anxious and want to bail out. I am impatient.

Whenever we go to a restaurant I must sit where I can clearly see the door. I don’t like my food to touch, I can’t stand hearing people smack and chew their food, I have a bad habit of cutting people off when they talk (I have gotten better about this), if I can’t get ahold of you or it’s been a while since I talked to you I start thinking the worst. I can’t help it. Even if I trust you with my soul I will still get anxious. The meds help with all of that including the little bit of OCD that I have. The meds help me chill out and not be in flight or fight mode 24-7. The meds help me not look at everything and everyone as a threat. I don’t worry so much to the point where it makes my tummy hurt anymore. I don’t get nervous when I have to go to crowded places to the point that I want to puke anymore. I avoided parties and other social gatherings for a while because mentally I just couldn’t handle it during my meltdown periods.

Once my beau educated himself on my condition, he was able to understand things better and how to approach the situation. I love him for wanting to understand and help me. I know my beau loves me very much and wants me to be happy. I am very lucky to have him by my side and have him fighting for me and with me. I am not in this alone. Support goes a long way. My close friends always check on me and ask about my appointments. They ask how am I feeling. They all know the cues of when something is wrong. For a while, everyone suspected something but didn’t want to ask. Once I put it out there I think we all felt more comfortable about it. When you have a mental illness you have to have people rooting for you. You need that village. When I have a panic attack, my heart races, I tremble, I feel like I am going to puke and I feel scared. I want to leave wherever I am at. People saying they were going to have a panic attack as a joke about inconveniences of life makes it harder for those of us who do truly experience them to be taken seriously.

Unfortunately, anxiety and depression are very misunderstood. Sadly, getting help for mental health issues is so inconvenient and hard in America. I have been through several doctors etc before finding a decent one. I am also my own worst enemy because I am very knowledgeable about psychology and medical stuff. When we were looking for me a new doctor so that I could get back on meds, it took a week of calling around to pinpoint the right doctors that fit our insurance coverage. Then the majority of those doctors were not accepting new patients…..hello!? I am being proactive trying to fix me and you won’t even see me!? Sure if it’s an emergency they will just check you into a mental institution. Anyway, after finding two doctors, my first choice staff was very rude and nobody would answer or call back. Finally a week later they called me back and said that I could be seen as a new patient in 3 weeks… 3 fxcking weeks. My second choice called me back within a week and I was able to be seen that following week. I am still under the care of my second choice. With this doctor, I have the option under my insurance coverage to do telehealth. Telehealth is when your doctor can see you remotely. You don’t go in person to your appointments. You are able to call or video chat. You must be deemed stable. This practice requires you to have 3 or 4 in-person visits or be deemed stable to qualify for telehealth.

I have been going in person since November of 2018. I am very close to being deemed stable so that I can do telehealth. The only reason I have not been able to sooner is that we had to figure out the right combination of medications (I will talk about that in another post).

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Here are some stats and faqs about mental illnesses in the United States

  • 1 in every 5 adults will be diagnosed with a mental disorder at some point in their life.
  • 1 in every 24 adults will be diagnosed with a serious mental disorder.
  • 1 in every 12 adults has a substance abuse problem.
  • Most chronic mental disorders appear by the time a person turns 14.
  • Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death for all ages and is more common than murders.
  • People who have a mental disorder are not more likely to become violent than those who do not have a mental disorder. People with mental disorders are more likely to be victims of crimes and not the perpetrator.
  • Every 12.8 minutes someone dies by committing suicide in America.
  • 90 percent of those who commit suicide had a mental health issue that could be diagnosed.

Suicidal ideation is usually a common symptom that a lot of people with mental health issues encounter at some point. I have been there personally. I found myself joking about it in a way to lessen the dark times I was experiencing. It was a valid expression of my emotions and felt right and the only option. Making jokes about it created the thoughts about it and the cycle continued. I scared the shxt out of myself at one point in time. I wrote a note and everything. Thought about how I was going to do it etc. I broke down in tears. I am not going into details about that but I was saved…hearing someone’s voice saved me…and I will forever be thankful for that split second that made me snap out of it because it saved my life. I found better ways to express myself. Part of the mental health stigma problem is words. Being more mindful of our language is a small step in erasing the stigma. Words hold a lot of power. Words can create stigma or save a life.

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Until next time,Breyona

Open Letter To My Beau

Dear Zaine,

First off thank you for always keeping the toilet seat down. As a young girl I don’t think I ever dreamed much about marrying prince charming because I didn’t think that I would ever get married. My amazing husband, you are the man that decided to marry my crazy ass. I believe you have chosen well, not to toot my own horn. I love your scent of coffee, bacon, and burnt down houses when you come home from your shifts at the fire station. Your smile makes me smile. I also have to add that your constant comments about my ass is very motivating and your booty rubs are romantic. You are a real life super hero to me and you rarely ask for anything in return. You don’t complain (a lot lol) when you come home to a wrecked house or when I rant about having a bad day with the kids, and the days you have to deal with me and my issues. Instead, you take care of me and help me gather up my sanity and hold me together. Even after all these years of us being together, you continue to amaze me with your sense of humor, kindness, generosity, and love for me. You didn’t know this because you were unconscious, but when I had to sleep downstairs after the c-section, I watched you sleep and I told you how much I loved you. You slept on the floor next to me, while I slept on the couch. You never once complained or left me hanging. 20181027_121839

I watched you sleep like the creep that I am because sometimes I can’t believe that you are mine. I know my anxiety and depression causes me to think about the sadness we have shared sometimes, but I want to say thank you for continuing to fight with me and for me. Thank you for all of the kind things you have said and done to show me how much you love me and care about me. I can’t help but to feel special and consider myself lucky to have you in my life. I am lucky to have the world’s best guy as my best friend and husband. I love you so much and that will never change no matter how much you annoy me at times 🙂 20180811_221207

I appreciate everything about us being together. I cherish all the good times we have had and bad times where we had to be there for each other. The times when we have struggled and the times where we had to learn how to understand and love each other. Our relationship has become stronger than what we could have ever imagined. With each passing year, I have realized how much I have loved you and wanted you. You are truly my best friend and love of my life. You are my past, present and future. You are my hope, my indulgence, and my strength. You have also given me precious gifts that money can’t buy. These 7 gifts will always be treasured in my heart and memories which will always live within my soul. I love watching you be a father to our children and had plenty of fun making them (haha).  When I see you being a father, it makes me fall in love with you all over again. 20180625_214700

Thank you for always being there for me and listening to me even when I talk nonsense and rant. Thank you for encouraging me when I doubted myself and felt like giving up. Thank you for being my biggest supporter and cheerleader in every way. Thank you for joining the Army for the sake of fighting for our country and providing for our family. Thank you for working so very hard being a Firefighter/EMT to give us a comfortable life; even though it comes with the price of you missing holidays, special occasions, and milestones. You are one of the hardest working men that I know and I am so proud of you. You have worked diligently these past few years to obtain your engineering degree to give us a even better life and you are almost at the finish line! Resized_20181214_102041_85

I just want you to know that I see how hard you are working. I notice all of your efforts and it means the world to me. You mean the world to me.

Happy 32nd Birthday Babe!

Until next time,Breyona