Tag Archives: mom life

Back at it again!

Aww yes! It has been a good almost 11ish years since I held down a regular job that didn’t involve me being an entrepreneur. I was apart of the mommy drain (not returning back to work after having a baby). After establishing several successful businesses and a good chunk of my kiddos are going to school, I often wondered if I would ever return back to the corporate world? especially after I finished my education. We all know being a SAHM ( or SAHD) is it’s own challenge in itself, but add in working from home…the party really gets wild. For a lot of people Covid forced parents who worked outside the home to suddenly become WAH parents. For us, this didn’t apply because I was already a SAHM.

I knew this day would come because originally I never wanted to be as they would say “just” a SAHM. I think I worked harder than I ever have being a SAHM and being self employed. I enjoyed having a career and the adult interaction. Being a stay at home mom can be lonely at times and can impact mental health especially if the person had an abrupt lifestyle change. This is in no way to shit on being a SAHM because trust me it has had a lot of perks. Did I always enjoy it? fxck no! but I am also glad I was able to comfortably enjoy it at the same time. SO after some back and forth, chats with my beau, and trying to really figure out what I wanted to do…One day I just said to hell with it, and I took a leap and revamped my resume and started slanging applications in all directions. However, I was adamant…if I could not work from home I was not interested in returning back to the corporate world. The conditions had to be really RIGHT or close to PERFECT for me to give up my SAHM lifestyle. Now if you have been following me forever, then you may be surprised that I am returning back to work.

I think I put in like a million applications and got discouraged at one point (ok several points). My husbae at first wasn’t really feeling the idea. To my surprise, I landed several job interviews quickly. Some were not a good fit at all and I had to decline. Yes, some companies were not cool with the fact that I have basically been off the grid doing my own thing forever, and some were intimidated by me having an advanced education for some of the more entry level careers that only required a bachelors. It is widely known that companies do not favor people who have taken significant time off to care for their home and families, so you have got to really sell yourself! I was determined to find something that would value my worth, compensate me well for it and respect my wishes to maintain as close to the lifestyle I am used to within reason. Now my first few interviews I totally bombed those because I was def out of touch with the process lol!

10 tips for returning

back to work as a WAHM

  • Utilize social media to connect with other moms who work from home. NETWORK! They may have job leads! Pick their brain, ask questions to get an idea of what to expect and maybe some things to try to make the transition easier. It is always nice to have someone to relate to. I am a member of several SAHM groups, but when I solidified my decision to return back to work I joined a few. They are def different from SAHM groups just a heads up.
  • If you are returning back on your own terms def do not pick something that you know you will dislike. For example sales. Yes sales jobs are very easy to get with no experience for some companies but selling things by cold calling or leads is not for everyone. Try to scout out jobs or positions you feel will be fulfilling and enjoyable. Do not become desperate for a job. Stay focused and try to target jobs that really align with your background and skill level. Be open to trying something new within reason.
  • If you have a baby or smaller children who may be noisy etc, opt for positions that do not require or have limited phone interactions. There are jobs that are remote that are text, chat or e-mail based.
  • There will be disruptions. Hello KIDS (and pets) ! Try to limit the distractions and disruptions by planning ahead. If you are in control of your schedule, opt for working during naptime if you can. Make sure kids are settled, changed, fed etc.
  • CREATE A SCHEDULE AND TRY TRY TRY TO STICK TO IT! Try to start the day the same way on the days you work. You both will need to be on a schedule. Checking emails, meetings, Movie time, snack time, lunch time, nap time etc.
  • If you are uptight about screen time, this is the time to get over it. Screen time isn’t all that bad. It’s the content. This is just my opinion, but your kiddos will def utilize screen time a lot while you are working to stay occupied and quieter.
  • Make a to-do list that is doable and reasonable. Laundry, cleaning, etc. Don’t overwhelm yourself trying to do it all in one day.
  • If you have access to a helping hand, accept the help.
  • When your attention is divided between your laptop and your kiddos, it is easy to lose track of time. Use your time wisely and pay attention to the clock. Try to limit the temptation of social media during productive time. There are apps that can help with this if you need help not accessing them during certain times of the day.
  • Don’t be too hard on yourself and set boundaries. Easier said than done. You may think you can do it all and try to prove that you can. Don’t be unrealistic. This is not healthy behavior and will surely ruin your work/life balance. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get everything done. Being a WAHM may have it’s perks and conveniences, but like being a SAHM it is not easy. Accept you will still be a busy and sometimes tired human.

If you are deciding to return back to work as a WAHM after being a stay at home mom, just know the process may be frustrating and take weeks or months; but once you find your right gig, you can make a way! Think about it, you made a way to survive off one income for this long and taking care of tiny humans etc. alone each day. Support being a SAHM is important for success, and support is a big key to success with this new adventure of being a WAHM. We will see how this goes!

We are all mad here

My previous mental healthcare provider for a lack of better words was complete shit. I have wasted 2 years of my time with them. I recently became fed up with them and started to look for a new doctor. I came across this service called Cerebral. They basically offer virtual mental health services for a monthly fee * They do not deal with patients who have severe issues*. They have medication management, therapy and counseling. My anxiety has been pretty well managed; however, the depression not so much. I have felt for some time now that something still wasn’t right. The meds I was on were working to an extent but not 100%. After they fucked up my treatment plan and my medications, they basically stopped following up and fed me bullshit when I have had appts. After my first appointment with my new provider via Cerebral, it was determined during my extensive appointment and assessment that there was something else going on and not what they thought or guessed. My anxiety was confirmed. The OCD was confirmed. The PMDD was cancelled out and the MDD (depression) was basically a competency error of my previous provider’s part. Depression is sometimes confused with a few mental health disorders. One of them commonly being Bipolar disorder; which is sometimes hard to diagnose.

Hi, My name is Breyona and I am bipolar.

The crazy thing about all of this is I knew. I knew there was something else. I knew it was not just depression. It was not getting better, but it was not getting worse if that makes sense? It was more so semi managed by the wrong medication. I still had episodes of agitation etc. even on the main med. The reason I was failing so many drugs was because they kept giving me SSRI (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) medications and not medications meant for mood stabilization. So when I was in school obtaining my psychology degrees, I briefly touched on certain topics such as medications. I hadn’t gotten to that point in my education. SSRI’s are not the best thing to prescribe to someone who has bipolar disorder because it can induce mania. In my case it did. It has thrown me for a loop because hello! I have several degrees in psychology and a med education history (I dropped out). I basically diagnosed myself but then had several people tell me I was wrong lol. I was never in denial. I knew. At the end of the day it is called practicing medicine after all.

So here I am in 2021, writing yet another blog about my mental disorders only to completely change the narrative of this blog. I have always been a big mental health advocate but this is going to make me advocate harder for better mental health care. Since I have shared more about my journey with my mental issues, I have built rapport with a lot of my blog’s followers. There are a lot of people who can relate but in confidentiality. I hate that the topic of mental disorders (I do not like to use the words Mental illness) is still taboo especially in the minority community. I don’t care if people view me as being “crazy” or whatever, but in reality there are a lot of people who have a high level of intelligence that have a mental disorder. People get the misconception that when a person is diagnosed with a mental disorder, it means that they are not intelligent. Granted, there are some mental disorders that impact intelligence, not all of them do. Bipolar disorder is often called the dark side of creativity. A lot of “creative” individuals such as myself are commonly diagnosed with some form of bipolar disorder.

One of my favorite stories of all time is Alice in Wonderland. I have several tattoos with the theme. Even as a kid I loved this story. I was immediately drawn to the characters of the Mad hatter and the white rabbit who was always late. If you analyze the story, there are several things that stick out about the characters. Hence we are all mad here.

Alice was schizophrenic

The white rabbit had anxiety

The queen was a narcissist

The mad hatter had bipolar disorder or manic depression

The caterpiller had delusions of grandeur

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum had ADHD

So what happens now?

So what happens now is, I begin my new journey of figuring out what the fuck is wrong with me and making it right. I will start the new medication soon. We are leaving everything else the same dosage and schedule wise. The only thing that changes is the SSRI will be eliminated and the mood stabilizer will be in it’s place. I am told I should see a big difference and get more relief within the next few weeks. TBH, I have been waiting for this moment since I was 13. I am glad that I decided not to continue to be told that I was wrong about how I felt. It’s my fucking brain after all. I am proud of myself for not giving up on me. I am holding myself accountable for my wellbeing. I refuse to give up on me period. I will be utilizing my time this year to get ready for our next move into our brand new 2nd home, sticking with my treatment plan and utilizing therapy once again (even though I know my triggers and have basically eliminated a lot of them, in case I have missed something), continue to grow my successful businesses, and work more on my art to really push my paintings. You can either be here for the growth and the glow up or unsubscribe/unfollow now because I am just getting started.

E is for effort

Sometimes what we are most afraid of, we need the most to get better. The months seem to be speeding up yet going super slow. This shitty year is almost over. I found my mental health all over the place; but generally more good days than bad days. A lot of my recent issues are due to lack of effort.

effort

ef·​fort | \ ˈe-fərt  , -ˌfȯrt \

Some days it is hard to adult, mom, and wife all at the same time. The house was becoming a mess and so was I. I had to start putting in more effort to get my space out of chaos. I had to start putting in more effort into communicating when I am not ok and taking better care of me. I am not going to lie, when Covid start shutting things down it definitely triggered me. I had gotten back active, I had my body heading in the right direction, I was going to the gym 5 days per week and eating right. As months passed I gained a lot of the weight I worked hard to lose back. This made me unhappy and I fell into a pit of misery. I sulked and complained about my clothes no longer fitting and how much my back was giving me problems. I wasn’t eating right or doing shit in general to fix the issue. I tried working out at home but it was not fun or motivating. My beau bought me exercise equipment and I barely touched it. As time went on, I just stop giving a fuck. I stopped giving a fuck about a lot.

I really had to check myself when I gave a friend advice and soon after the conversation, I felt like a big ass hypocrite. How was it that I can motivate the hell out of other people, but here I am struggling with the shit myself?

My beau starting a new job was a big accomplishment this year. However, it came with a few lifestyle changes. We have had to get used to a lot. It seems like it was easier going from military to civilian versus going from the fire department to a “normal” career with a schedule that is less hectic. TBH, I kinda miss the chaos. Our new normal has a lot of good things about it which outweigh the shitty parts. We had to rearrange a few of our goals in the process. We found ourselves arguing and it got to the point were we stopped “dating”. We stopped spending quality time together, we started doing our own hobbies alone, we started to lose ourselves to our own devices.

For a while I had a fear of failure. I felt like I was failing as a wife and mom. My kids were having a terrible time with homeschooling at first and so was I. However, this is the best for them as individuals and for our family’s current schedule etc. My kids were not putting in the effort to complete their work without distractions, and I was not putting in enough effort to stay on top of everyone’s shit. I assumed they would hit the ground running. Sometimes as parents, we forget that children are not little adults. They are little humans who are learning. Just like adults hate major changes, kids do too. We had to take a break and figure things out collectively. I kept saying I am going to be more involved, I am going to do this and that. But the fear of failure and lack of effort made me my own worst enemy. The fear of failure is not always a bad thing though. Being afraid to fail keeps us from settling. It keeps us for settling for things that are just ok or good enough to get by. Not settling for shit plays a big part in being successful at things and putting your best foot forward. When something is good enough, the better thing is no longer an option because you settled.

Failing teaches important lessons. I know that I won’t succeed at parenting and other things all the time. However, I can try to control what I choose to do with the failure and decide if it truly was failure or a success. From my kids being home, I learned more about their individual learning styles. I found out more about things they are disinterested in and what they are more interested in and passionate about. I also learned how much alcohol and coffee fuels the day lol! I have readjusted my schedule, plans, and even several of my small businesses.

I have suffered a small number of personal embarrassments and a little bit of humiliation I handled myself in these moments ok, and used it as a wonderful lesson to strengthen my character, fuel my ambitions, and learned how to love harder. Everyone is going through something at the moment. When you really dig in and learn the truth about yourself, you will tap into how much integrity you possess or lack.

I have made more of an effort to listen to my children. Kids tell it like it is. Unfiltered truth about certain things and situations. Now my kids do say some off the wall shit from time to time that is hilarious, they also say things that hurt but have a well meaning message. My kids noticed that I had become inactive and that I wasn’t taking the best care of myself. That I wasn’t taking my anxiety and depression meds properly and that I seemed unhappy. This stung like hell. I took it as a big sign that I needed to get my shit together.

I was working on shit that didn’t inspire me anymore. I started cleaning up my friend’s list on social media and in real life. I had over 10k followers on IG and I ended up removing a lot of people who were following me or I was following them. Protect your peace. If someone does not add to your peace and happiness, if you feel a certain way when you see their post etc, delete them and move on. This may seem like a strange choice for a person like me who blogs and such and numbers mean a lot in that world. This started to mean less to me because it is always quality of quantity. I want people who want to genuinely follow me, follow along. I want those who truly want to support me support me. I have been working on defining my content, my Etsy shop, my body, my mind and my circle.

I start my days by reading an positive affirmation. I try not to begin my day on a negative note but it does happen from time to time. This can be due to not properly planning, rushing, procrastinating and not managing stress well. If you start your day off on a positive note and remember the good feelings, you will make a connection that you have set the tone and should try to maintain it for the rest of the day.

Make an effort to stop settling for less than you deserve. This can be relationships, friendships and careers. Use negative experiences as a way to define boundaries. If things always went our way, we would have no room to learn how to love and appreciate the things we have that are amazing while we have them.

Changes

Finally I have gotten my shit together with this blog again. I know people would rather watch Youtube, listen to podcasts and such; but to be honest, that is just not me. I do a lot of videos on Instagram so that is the best place to catch my rants and raves. I prefer the old fashion way of blogging. I see a lot of you have stuck with me since 2016 and I appreciate it so much. So of course things look a bit different. There will be a few more changes as time goes on as far as content, the blog layout and more. I am pretty damn excited y’all!

It has been one month since hubby quit the fire department and started his new job working in his degree field of engineering. It has taken some getting use to with him being home every night. Mainly it has been an issue schedule wise for me because instead of 48-hours to get stuff done I have a few hours to get most of the house stuff taken care of, on top of running my businesses. We haven’t been eating dinner on time and that is something I have to really work on, especially with school starting back soon. Other counties are already back in, but we were pushed out. We went from starting August 3rd to starting Sept 8th. We will be doing school completely online. Including Kali…for Pre-K. Y’all just get ready for plenty of rants and such. This is Cameron’s last year of elementary school. It feels kind of weird that I am about to have a middle schooler in my house. The boys didn’t really care about going back in person, but toots who is ms. popular cried. *so dramatic* I know the kids aren’t happy being shut in like this but I do try to make them get off the electronics and go tf outside.

Roxy and Remy are advancing nicely now. Roxy talks more than Remy, but Remy is the mean one and also the one who picks up on and uses bad words. Her favorite bad word is Shxt. I know at the start of this blog it was more mom and family centered, but I decided it is time to re-purpose this thing more into a personal/lifestyle blog. I am basically treating this as my digital journal. You won’t find long drawn out bullshxt before you get to the recipes and shxt like that. You will continue to find realness as usual and basically continue to follow me on my path to mental wellness and more! I am still having my daily battles but more good day than bad days. In case you are new here, this is my diagnosis: MDD-Major Depressive Disorder, PMDD-Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, OCD-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Anxiety (both general and social). I take 5 medications per day. 3 in the morning and 2 at bedtime. The panic attacks still happen here and there but are more manageable than they have ever been. That is always a plus. I was plagued by them at one point in time. My visits are every 3 months with my psychiatrist and are virtual. They have been virtual before Covid because well…anxiety.

I tried my hand at succulents and I had so many. But because of me learning how to care for them and Roxy the plant slayer, I am down to about 9 or 10. I never thought I would get into plants but there is something calming about gardening *indoors because fxck bugs*. I find it relaxing when I care for them. My favorite plant of all that I own so far is the Majesty Palm. I have admired this plant for some time now and never bought one because they look intimidating. Not to mention the one I wanted was $60…so yeah I am trying my best not to kill big daddy. IDK y’all I have managed to keep 7 human beings alive and haven’t seemed to fxck them up too badly so I think there is hope for me and the succulents.

WTF is a Quarter Life Crisis?

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I hit the big 30 last August and I am only 50 days away from my 31st trip around the sun. My emotions have been all over the place as well as my thoughts about where my future is headed. I have had to assume new roles, take on more responsibilities and adjust the expectations of my wants and needs. I look back on all of the degrees I have obtained and the careers I didn’t have, and suddenly felt like I sort of failed to reach goals that I set for myself years ago. I should have been almost done with med school or at least a PsyD program by now, but the twins threw that out the window (for now). Quarter life crisis happens when you are in your 20’s or early 30s and the soul searching and stresses of life really start to build up and manifest themselves. Most people who have these crises are highly driven individuals like myself. I have been struggling because I feel like I am falling behind and not reaching my full potential. This, unfortunately, is true for a lot of moms, especially stay at home moms.

When you think about a life crisis, you usually automatically think about older people. Ya know? Like the movie American Beauty. Kevin Spacey had a mid-life crisis. He started to work out, become defiant and overall tried to act younger; even going so far as to do the cliche thing of buying a sports car or old school muscle car. This by far is not a mid-life crisis. There is no divorce, moving to an island or buying a cute ass 2-seater. This is soul searching and truly rooting into the adult that I am officially becoming. This is realizing that I am not 20 anymore. I am a mom of 7 kids, a wife, and a super educated SAHM. This isn’t WHO I am though. I am still Breyona, the blunt, spunky, rattlesnake that is sweet as a cupcake and a boatload of fun (when I want to be). I am also Breyona who has anxiety and depression and needs a bit more motivating and encouragement at times to keep pushing forward. I am Breyona who had to learn to love her new postpartum body and belly that will never go back to “normal”. This is who I am. I could have decided to continue to sulk in my imagined and sometimes overexaggerated misery; but instead, I got up one day and said, “you know what? Fxck this shxt.

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I cut my hair completely off…..I know I said I wasn’t going to have another Britteny Spears moment, but guess what…I did. I did the big big chop. I was always terrified of cutting my hair off. I thought I HAD to always have long hair. Ya know, because long hair is kind of like a beauty standard for most. A sign of “good health” etc. Well for me it was a pain in the ass. It took forever to style which resulted in me wearing basic ass hairstyles and not wanting to be bothered with it and not taking care of it properly. I didn’t cut my hair because I was joining the natural hair movement. I cut my hair to liberate myself from the responsibility of having to fxck with it all the time and not liking what I saw in the mirror. I felt invincible when I took those clippers and cut all of my hair that was left off. TBH I have never felt more beautiful. I feel fxcking fantastic. I have been fortunate enough to be able to rock short or long hair and still look really cute. At first, I felt like I looked like a lil boy, but as it started to grow and I saw how easy it is having short hair with no cares, I fell in love. I fell in love with this shaved head of mine. I fell in love with being able to see all of my imperfections and not being able to cover up and hide my birthmark that is on my forehead that I had covered for years.

Before I chopped off all of my hair, I did something else I had always wanted to do but wasn’t sure if I was going to do it or not. I got my nipples pierced…..yup I got my cold detectors pierced. Now it was completely random when I got it done, but I am so in love with my boobs now yall! The baby making chapter of my life closed one year ago and so did the whole making milk to keep a tiny human being alive. I finally got MY body back. Me piercing my nipples officially closed that chapter for me…not getting my tubes tied, not my beau getting a vasectomy, but me getting my nipples pierced. Unlike permanent sterilization, you can not see it. It’s not very tangible. But my titty ornaments are seen every time I am in my birthday suit or have sexy time with my beau. I know there will be no more babies and I am 10000000% fine with that. My nipple piercings have allowed me to remember I am still sexy. I am still young and spunky. Some people find intimate piercings to be trashy or slutty but to each their own. Not to mention they have made sexy time…just omg extra extra extra amazing (It was already the bomb beforehand….we have 7 kids haha).

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Now that I have cut off my hair and pierced my tits, I have a physical reminder that I am fierce as hell and I spew confidence like I never have before. I walk with my head held higher and a little bit more pep in my step. Truth be told, I really needed this quarter-life crisis. Cutting off my hair and getting the piercing I have always wanted was the body positive shift that I was missing and needed. I was always worried about how my fupa looked but now I don’t pay that any attention since I have my new accessories. Now please keep in mind titty piercing hurt like a bxtch. If you don’t have a good pain tolerance this piercing is not for you. I got them both done the same day. Some people do one and back out on the other because it hurts so bad. I am not a quitter, so I took the pain and screamed like a baby gangster.

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One of the biggest things that I have noticed that contributes to quarter-life crises is comparison. Social media is the devil when it comes to comparing your life to others. We all do it at some point. It is more common than you think. You compare your progress in life to others…their careers, relationships, homes, cars, education, kids etc. Then you sit there like damn..what am I doing wrong? I am guilty of doing this with my body. 20s seemed to be about competition. Now that I am in my 30s, it’s all about living my best life and solidarity. My degrees don’t define me, nor does me being a stay at home mom and entrepreneur.  I am no longer wondering “There’s got be more to life than this?”.  Sometimes we think we have it all and sometimes there is still something missing.

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Finally, I have figured out what was missing and have spent the past year putting the pieces together. So my friends and savages, don’t be afraid of the quarter-life crisis…sometimes it is exactly the bxtch slap in the face you need to really start living and not just existing.

Until next time,Breyona

 

 

 

 

Phoenix Series: Shake what your doctor gave you

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There are over 30 different antidepressants on the market. I take three different medications daily to control and alleviate my symptoms. It is very tedious finding the right combination of medications when you have anxiety and depression. It took 4 months before we found the right combination for me. I started off with Zoloft which worked amazingly; however, it killed my libido. The other medications we tried were Remeron, Lexapro, and Trazadone. Weight gain, low libido and not being able to achieve orgasm are common side effects of antidepressants; which is why a lot of people stop taking their medication. I was also prescribed a mood stabilizer to try to counteract this side effect as well as improve my mood and alertness. I failed 3 antidepressants before we tried the one that I am currently on. Most insurance companies have guidelines on the medications that need to be tried first in order to try other ones or they will not cover the cost of them. To fail a medication, it basically means it did not work for you or you experienced too many side effects to the point that it was deemed more harmful than helpful. During this process some of the weight I worked hard to lose came back. I gained 15 pounds back taking medications.

Currently, I take Wellbutrin and Trintellix in the morning and before bedtime I take Seroquel for my insomnia. Trintellix is fairly new, but it does not cause sexual side effects or significant weight gain like the others. The weight is starting to come off since I have been on this combination for a while now. Most antidepressants do not start working overnight. You usually don’t notice a difference until it has been about 2-4 weeks. Lexapro made me very aggressive and worsened my depression so I was quickly taken off of it. If you do not feel your meds are working for you let your doctor know. If you are experiencing a lot of side effects tell your doctor. A lot of people are embarrassed to mention the sexual side effects to their doctors, but don’t be. They need to know so they can fix the issues to keep you on your treatment plan.

Here are different types of anti-depressants. These medications are also used to treat other disorders such as anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc.

  • Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs): These are the most common medications prescribed to treat anxiety and depression. Celexa, Lexapro, Luvox, Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft. Symbyax is approved for treating depression that is treatment resistant. Yes, treatment-resistant depression is real. Abilify, Seroquel (one of the meds I take), and Rexulti are considered add-on drugs. Viibryd and Trintellix (what I currently take) are used for treating MDD and anxiety. Trintellix is also sometimes used for people who have low libido not related to depression as it has been clinically proven to increase sex drive.
  • Serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs): These drugs are pretty new and they include Cymbalta, Effexor (one of the ones I failed), Fetzima, and Pristiq.
  • Norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitors (NDRIs): This is basically a mood stabilizer. Wellbutrin (what I currently take)
  • Tetracyclics are another form of antidepressants that doctors prescribe such as Asendin, Ludiomil, and Remeron (I was on this one for insomnia and it worked but made me feel groggy and irritable in the mornings). Remeron doesn’t stop the reuptake the same way as the other medications do. It stops neurotransmitters from sticking together with certain receptors on your nerves.
  • Serotonin antagonist and reuptake inhibitor (SARIs): These can help stabilize mood swings etc. Serzone and Trazodone (I was prescribed this one for insomnia but didn’t like it). jar-2338584_960_720

Just because a certain drug(s) didn’t work for me doesn’t mean it won’t work for someone else. We are all different. It is funny how these medications work. For example, some of my friends who were on Lexapro loved it. For me, I hated it and it didn’t work at all. It is best to familiarize yourself with any potential side effects that the medications may have and you and your doctor can weigh the pros and cons and see if certain risks outweigh the effectiveness of the treatment. I also like to encourage people to look into holistic remedies as well to use in conjunction with the medication.

Keep up with your prescriptions and pay attention to when you need refills. It is best to get your refills as early as you can to avoid running out of medication. However, if the person has a history of abusing medications, they will not be able to fill their prescriptions in large quantities, etc. I set reminders on my phone to take my medication. There were a few times I forgot to take them because I was not used to taking meds every day since it had been years without them. Now my husband asks if I have taken them, my oldest two know that I take medication and they know what my condition is. I explained it to them in an age-appropriate way and they have been very supportive and looking out for me and such. My bad days affected everyone. I would stay in bed, cry randomly, get angry or hostile, shut myself in, procrastinate a lot, and I lost interest in a lot of things I once enjoyed. When things got to the point where I could not function day to day and it started to impact my quality of life, it was time to seek help. I expressed my feelings to my beau and my friends and everyone encouraged me to go ahead and find a dr. I wasn’t embarrassed at all. Everyone knew something wasn’t right but didn’t know how to approach the situation. This is why stigma needs to be done with when it comes to mental health.

It is normal to feel embarrassed or defeated if you have to be put on medication. Just know that you are not alone. You will be surprised at how many people you may know who have at one point been on or currently take medication for anxiety and depression or other mental disorders. I refused to suffer in silence any longer. Do what is BEST for you. Take care of yourself and be well as a whole. I feel like I am a stronger person because I took the steps to get my shxt together instead of sulking in whatever misery my brain created. IMG_20190129_231440_080

 

Being depressed and anxious can be very lonely. It is important to have support if it’s having people around or people checking in on you. Pick someone you trust to open up to. I frequently discuss my condition with my friends and my beau. Everyone asks questions and I explain things the best I can and sometimes we try to think of solutions together. For me, having high functioning MDD and anxiety made it harder for people to acknowledge the severity of things. People like me who are high functioning can still get things done and such, be successful and interact with others by masking the symptoms. It becomes so mundane over time. Depression and anxiety doesn’t just impact the person who has it, it impacts everyone around them as well. Depression and anxiety will drain your energy, motivation, and outlook on things. If you know someone who has the condition be the support they may not know they need.

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

Until next time,Breyona

Live For The Moments You Can Not Put In Words

 I really LOATHE when people just assume that being a mom and all things momming are my entire life. I do have a life outside of (7) kids.  Life did not stop when I became a mom. But…at one point it kinda did and guess what? Anxiety, depression and motherhood don’t mesh well together. I can not stress enough to other mamas to take care of your mental health.

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It is a struggle being whole to everyone else when you are not whole for yourself. Recently the panic attacks have been happening a little more often than what I would like (hence the silence on the blog a little), this is partly from my whole experience of my babes being in the NICU and worrying about things. No one tells you that certain things related to the NICU don’t stop once the baby graduates out of it.  Did they burp enough? Are they getting too comfy while they eat? Can I switch from preemie nipples now? Are the bottles sterile enough? the list goes on and on. This time around a lot of things are purely baby led and it’s pretty cool just requires patience.

I have found a few things that seem to work great for managing my anxiety and depression. I have also been sharing these things with people who reach out for advice who have the same condition. I have taken pieces of advice from them as well. I have a set plan for management, but like with any routine such as hair care, skin care, diets, etc you have to switch it up after a while. You get immune to it. I have had to have a few mommy time outs when the kids are being complete turds behavior wise, the house is a mess, I am exhausted because of Twin A’s crazy sleep patterns and My Beau’s work schedule.  A mommy time out is where I remove myself from the parental atmosphere to clear my head and take a breather. I strap the twins in their rockers, put up the baby gates and tell the oldest two I am stepping outside for a sec and keep an eye on things. It is recharging and refocusing.

During one of my moments, I had what I affectionately call my “2007 Britney Spears moment” and I cut off my hair

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I did this last month (August). I wanted a new “identity” I wanted a fresh start so to speak. Okay so it wasn’t that drastic, but still you get the point.

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I usually sit on our back porch (until a spawn of Satan aka a bug) tries to be friends then it’s back in the house I go. If it is at night, I have the oldest watch the babies and I run a nice Epsom salt bath or take a shower. The times where I feel a panic attack coming on, I have to redirect my attention to something else. I grab a snack or play a word game on my phone. My Beau purchased me a Cricut Explore Air 2 for my birthday, so this has really been great for me so far. It gives me something else to do. I have found some of the craft making to be somewhat therapeutic.

I have been transforming my nervous energy into being productive instead of just sulking. However, I am not going to lie… sometimes I get frustrated and want to throw shxt.  I don’t know if you believe in zodiac related shxt, but I do. I am a Virgo. We tend to be perfectionist. It is a blessing and a curse. I really had to learn over time that perfect is not ideal. I like being okay and well. I guess the best way to describe my anxiety and depression is I am predictable in my own unpredictability. I like the direction I am headed and I am excited about all of the great things that are happening and this new journey I am on since I turned 30. If you love life, it will love you back.

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Taking time away from motherhood doesn’t make you a bad mom. Taking charge of your mental health is one of the most selfless selfish things I think a person can do. Growth doesn’t happen without provocations. Never forget that.

 

Until next time,Breyona

Fat Mama Part ii

 I am guilty of being obsessed with “snapping back” after my previous pregnancies. I share each postpartum journey to motivate other mommies and give them a realistic look at a true average postpartum body (Fat Mama). Not the body of a woman who was a fitness model or had a full on 12 pack before having babies.

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This mama has a keg after birth. My “snapback” comes from patience, hard work, dedication, a little neglect, and being realistic. I am one of those mamas who loves food. I usually gain the maximum amount of weight allowed during my pregnancies, so I always have work to do afterwards. Funny thing is, my first pregnancy I gained 70 pounds. This was devastating to me. However, I knew that I would never go back to my pre-pregnancy size for a few reasons. First off I was 21 when I had my first kid. Secondly, I had been misdiagnosed shortly after I had him when I went for a mental health check up (not postpartum depression); and the medication caused me to retain weight. Third, my husband return home from the army after being gone for 8 months and two weeks later I was preggo with baby number 2.

Thanks beau

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After I had baby number 2, I was determined to lose weight since I had gained baby weight on top of baby weight. I tried Slim Fast and it was more so like Slim Slow and yucky. I did some research and found something more ideal for me. I did the 17 day diet and lost all of my baby weight without even exercising AT ALL. This was when I learned the true importance of nutrition.  It made me make a permanent lifestyle change.  If you aren’t willing to make a lifestyle change, you can not expect to keep the extra weight away.

 

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When I got pregnant with baby number 3, I basically did what I didn’t do in the past. I ate the way you are “supposed” to while pregnant. I didn’t take in unnecessary calories, I was active, and I ate pretty balanced on top of drinking a ton of water. Guess what? I still gained 50 pounds. Do you see what I am getting at here?

My 4th pregnancy I gained 40 pounds, afterwards I lost all but 5 pounds or so of it. I stopped caring…because well, I knew I would possibly have another baby since we were on the fence about it. My 5th baby I gained 45 pounds and I lost all but 5 pounds of the weight again. I had the same thoughts, why do all of this extra work if I am going to have just one more? Well that one more turned into two more (twins) and here I am….one month postpartum. I gained 60 pounds during the twin’s pregnancy and it would have been more if the babies didn’t come early.

Here I am 2 weeks after my c-section in my granny panties bathroom selfie glory

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Having a c-section is def a game changer when it comes to losing baby weight. For one, you feel like pure shxt afterwards. The swelling is crazy, and your down time is longer. Granny panties are your new lingerie until the incision heals. Trust me, you don’t want any damn thing touching that incision. It might not look glamorous but this is childbirth and postpartum life and comfort is key!

This is the top I wore the day before I had my twins

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This is 10 days after my c-section supported

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I really hate the weird stage during postpartum weight loss when maternity clothes are huge and your pre-baby clothes are entirely too small. For me, my maternity clothes are huge because I had to size up so frequently to accommodate the twin bump. At one point I was buying 3x. Now pre-baby at most I am a XL. So naturally right after having them the 3x stuff made me look like I was wearing a trash bag. With the use of my girdle for support during the first week, I was able to fit a few pieces of my post baby clothes but was beyond uncomfortable.

(I no longer wear the girdle for support and my incision is healed for the most part)

 

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This journey is different because I have to really pace myself and take my time. There won’t be any hardcore dieting or exercising, even when I am cleared in 2 weeks. I plan to jump back in once I hit 8 weeks postpartum. I really want to enjoy my time with my twins once they are home. Losing weight can and will wait. It will happen over time. It took me almost 9 months to push my body to extreme limits by carrying two babies at once. I am still amazed and proud of myself for even surviving the entire pregnancy and then enduring a c-section.

 

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This time around I am being kind to myself. I am not ashamed of my F.U.P.A aka my kangaroo pouch and I am no longer going to hide it while it shrinks back down. Losing weight can be a mind game and apart of my self care routine is keeping my mental health in check. I am not about to drive myself crazy trying to fit into what our society has created to be perfect, or this notion that you have to immediately be pre-baby size right after coming close to death from having a baby. Embrace yourself and your body, one pound at a time. This body made me a mother and I love it. I am not ashamed and you shouldn’t be either.

The best part about my twin postpartum journey (Remy’s middle name “Journee”)… I don’t have to worry about losing all the weight and gaining my confidence back, all for my beau to knock me up again

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To the Mom Who Feels Like Giving Up

how toget moreAnother day has come and gone and you are beyond drained. You spent your day either working or being at home with the kiddos all day. You may have had your coffee piping hot, cold, or reheated in the microwave because you forgot all about the damn thing. You dealt with public tantrums, a million meltdowns at home, life bleachable moments, unwanted silence, meetings, crappy customers or coworkers, missed appointments, tears because you had to return to work, cluster breastfeeding, pumping milk only to spill it, forgetting that you used the last scoop of formula the night before and now you have to make a Target run. Completely forgetting about after school practice and projects, bullying, repeatedly cleaning a never-ending mess of toys, or finding old sippy cups with spoiled milk inside. You may have tried to leave on time to pick your kids up only to sit in horrible traffic and still was late picking them up, or you tried to time leaving the house at the right time to run your errands so you wouldn’t be at the end of the carpool line, or you got there right on time only for someone to cut you off in line.

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Being a mama comes with a lot of things and one of those things is some inevitable guilt at some point. As a mama, you likely end the day by telling yourself that you will do better tomorrow. A lot of times, you admittedly are a little ashamed about some of your mom behaviors such as wearing the same pair of yoga pants or leggings a few days in the row, skipping a shower,  not bothering to style your hair in any way outside of a messy bun or a nice head wrap, yelling at your kiddos, letting your kids eat cereal for dinner, letting laundry pile up, living out of a clothes basket, letting your kids eat off the floor or eat a booger or two because you are tired of saying “hey don’t do that” a million times. Declining yet another birthday party invite because you are just too damn tired and really don’t want to go, and overall just feeling like you want to lose your shxt.  You may sit and wish that you could be perfect for your children like other moms you see on T.V or social media. You are human and humans do sometimes fail at certain things. The biggest thing, is never giving up. Parenting is a learning experience. This is something that I constantly remind myself when I feel like giving up. Parenting is hard and rewarding at the same time.

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I believe that moms have this magical strength that allows them to still be as nurturing as they can all while endearing stress and fighting her own battles. For me those battles are anxiety and depression (End of year reflection:2017). When I am beyond drained, physically and mentally; nothing will stop me from trying to accommodate the needs of my children the best way I can at the time, and get shxt done.  A lot of times I think I am doing the right things all while not even being 100% sure that I am doing the right things because I am still learning. I have learned what works and doesn’t work and most of all I have learned to forgive myself when I make a parenting mistake such as not grabbing a thick enough jacket for them because I misjudged the weather and now they have the sniffles, or saying okay to just one more piece of candy that results in a tummy ache.

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Motherhood will have you at times feeling stuck with who you really are, what you should be, and who you want to be. Some days your routine may seem meaningless, sometimes your children may make you sad, but they are a big part of what makes you feel happy. I am not on a mission to give my children all of the things I never had because I want them to be more than I am. I let my children get bored, and I used to beat myself up about it because the other moms seemed like they were always engaged with their kids, and I immediately tried to think of ways to keep them entertained. Most of the times they turned out to not be really interested in what I came up with. Until one day I sat back and didn’t intervene. Their boredom forced them to be creative. I believe in being a real parent not a perfect parent. Being real takes a lot of frustration out of this whole mommy stuff.

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To the mom who feels like giving up, just know you are entitled to feel that way, but you are not entitled to give up because your children need you and you need them.

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First Trimester Recap: Baby #6

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So I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and so happy to be out of the first trimester of this pregnancy. The first 13 weeks were very rough. My morning sickness was super bad and never ending. I haven’t had any major issues with morning sickness with any of my other pregnancies so this was a game changer. It seems like I started showing the second I pissed on the stick and I have a love hate relationship with food. Since I have so much to share and document this pregnancy with it legit being our last one, I figured it is easier for me to just break down the trimesters instead of doing a post every week about the baby’s development etc. I think that is boring first off, and second I don’t feel like writing all that shxt.

I have had several appointments, some back to back. This pregnancy has been labeled high risk (I will get into the logistics of that on another post). I am def not in the mood for anybody’s shxt and all I want to do is sleep. People speculated for a while if I was pregnant or not mainly because I have that serious pregnancy glow thing going on. I don’t always glow with my pregnancies so I guess I can take it as I don’t look like shxt this time. The morning sickness had made it kind of hard to get fully excited  but I am getting there. The second trimester has brought some relief but I am still not 100% feeling back to my normal self yet.

All of the scans so far have been beautiful. Baby looks amazing and is very active. I didn’t gain much weight in the first trimester due to the morning sickness, so I was put on the medication Diclegis. It has a nice side effect which is drowsiness…hence me just wanting to sleep. I am on the maximum dose. It does work I will say that. My OB isn’t very partial to Zofran anymore because of its link to the birth defects and a few other issues. From my past experience taking Zofran, it worked super fast but made me constipated which wasn’t cool. I will def take drowsiness over not being able to take shxt any day. Anywho moving forward, being that this is my 6th pregnancy, I started showing very quickly. I started off being super bloated but it turned into a full on baby bump within the first few weeks. My boobs are huge already as well. I have been documenting my growing tummy weekly as I have done so in the past. Some people have been just plain fing annoying with their comments about my size like they have never seen me pregnant before. Newsflash people, the more babies you have the quicker you show. For the most part I have been pretty irritable, and took my time announcing that I was pregnant simply because I didn’t want to be bothered on top of being super sick. My focus has been resting and getting well. All in all I am happy that everything is looking great development wise.

We announced we were expecting a little sooner than we had planned. We planned to announce it on xmas eve, but we were getting together with a bunch of people for my hubby’s birthday and I didn’t want someone to accidently leak a pic. We made the decision to put it out there. I have had my business shared before I have wanted it to be shared before, so I wanted to avoid that again. We shared the announcement on Facebook and Instagram and for the most part no negative comments.

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I mean at this point who tf cares that we are having another baby? Yeah people have their jokes about the size of our family, but I quickly kill that when I say “at least I can afford to have a large family”.

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We opted out of the blood test that tells you the gender early because we didn’t do that with any of the other ones. We will have baby’s gender on December 27th, however it will not be revealed until February 10th no exceptions. We are also not disclosing any possible names until the birth of the baby.

Top Cravings

Chik-Fil-A Lemonade

Pork rinds aka skins

Pulled pork

Sweet potato fries and mashed sweet potatoes

Any Trolli brand sour gummy candies

Cokes

Build your own pancake combo from Ihop (blueberry pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, and hashbrowns)

That is basically what I have wanted when I am not puking my brains out. The love hate thing with food is getting better though. So that is basically it for the first trimester. We have only bought one baby item so far but after my appointment on Wednesday we will pick up a few more things and really start preparing then. In the meantime here are the pics I took during the first trimester 🙂 Some pics I look rough and some pics I look fabulous!

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Just a friendly reminder baby bumps come in all shapes and sizes. The extent of your bump depends on the position of your uterus, if you had abs/a strong core before pregnancy, the number of times you have been pregnant/given birth and the amount of fluid. It is rude to make comments about the size of a woman’s bump or size period even when she isn’t pregnant. If you like putting your feelings and life at risk carry on with the comments 🙂

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