The Recipe for growth and love

Marriage is a union between two people that requires effort and commitment to maintaining. A healthy marriage is built on trust, communication, and mutual respect. Maintaining a healthy marriage requires work from both partners, and it is essential to make an effort to keep the marriage strong and thriving. I will discuss some strategies that you can use to maintain a healthy and long-lasting marriage that have worked for me.

Communication is the foundation of a healthy marriage. Good communication means being able to express yourself honestly and listening to your partner. When couples communicate effectively, they are better able to understand each other’s needs and concerns. They can discuss problems openly and find solutions together. Couples should make time to talk with each other regularly, share their feelings and thoughts, and listen to each other without judgment. They should avoid blaming or criticizing each other and instead focus on finding ways to work together to address issues. Easier said than done.

Trust is another crucial element of a healthy marriage. Trust is built over time and is essential for a successful relationship. Couples should be honest with each other and keep their promises. Trusting each other means being able to rely on each other and having confidence in each other’s decisions. Couples should make an effort to keep their commitments and avoid breaking their partner’s trust. If trust has been broken, try to work together to repair it by being honest, taking responsibility for your actions, and making amends. This goes sideways for a lot of people because if you choose to forgive you have to FORGIVE AND FORGET. That means do not bring it up during arguments etc. It is not fair that the trust was broken but it is not fair to say that you forgive someone then continuously beat them down every chance you get over a mistake that was made. This hinders the healing process reliving the trauma over and over again.

Respect is also vital in a healthy marriage. Couples should treat each other with kindness, consideration, and respect. They should avoid criticizing, belittling, or insulting each other. Couples should value each other’s opinions and show appreciation for each other’s contributions to the relationship. It is not a dick measuring contest. By respecting each other, you can build a strong foundation for their marriage.

Another essential factor in maintaining a healthy marriage is intimacy. Physical intimacy is an important part of a romantic relationship, and couples should make an effort to keep their relationship intimate. This is not just about sex. You should make time for each other, be affectionate, and show your love through physical touch. This can be hugging, holding hands, pats on the booty, a hand on the shoulder…..Couples should also be open to exploring each other’s desires and preferences to enhance their intimacy within respectable boundaries.

Finally, couples should make time for each other and prioritize their relationship. With busy schedules, kids, and other commitments, it can be easy for couples to neglect their relationship. Couples should make an effort to spend quality time together, put each other first, engage in activities that they enjoy, and create new shared experiences. They should also take care of their own emotional and physical well-being, which can contribute to a healthier relationship.

In conclusion, maintaining a healthy marriage requires effort and commitment from both partners. Communication, trust, respect, intimacy, and prioritization are crucial elements of a successful relationship. By making an effort to build these elements into your relationship, you can strengthen your bond and create a long-lasting and fulfilling marriage.

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E is for effort

Sometimes what we are most afraid of, we need the most to get better. The months seem to be speeding up yet going super slow. This shitty year is almost over. I found my mental health all over the place; but generally more good days than bad days. A lot of my recent issues are due to lack of effort.

effort

ef·​fort | \ ˈe-fərt  , -ˌfȯrt \

Some days it is hard to adult, mom, and wife all at the same time. The house was becoming a mess and so was I. I had to start putting in more effort to get my space out of chaos. I had to start putting in more effort into communicating when I am not ok and taking better care of me. I am not going to lie, when Covid start shutting things down it definitely triggered me. I had gotten back active, I had my body heading in the right direction, I was going to the gym 5 days per week and eating right. As months passed I gained a lot of the weight I worked hard to lose back. This made me unhappy and I fell into a pit of misery. I sulked and complained about my clothes no longer fitting and how much my back was giving me problems. I wasn’t eating right or doing shit in general to fix the issue. I tried working out at home but it was not fun or motivating. My beau bought me exercise equipment and I barely touched it. As time went on, I just stop giving a fuck. I stopped giving a fuck about a lot.

I really had to check myself when I gave a friend advice and soon after the conversation, I felt like a big ass hypocrite. How was it that I can motivate the hell out of other people, but here I am struggling with the shit myself?

My beau starting a new job was a big accomplishment this year. However, it came with a few lifestyle changes. We have had to get used to a lot. It seems like it was easier going from military to civilian versus going from the fire department to a “normal” career with a schedule that is less hectic. TBH, I kinda miss the chaos. Our new normal has a lot of good things about it which outweigh the shitty parts. We had to rearrange a few of our goals in the process. We found ourselves arguing and it got to the point were we stopped “dating”. We stopped spending quality time together, we started doing our own hobbies alone, we started to lose ourselves to our own devices.

For a while I had a fear of failure. I felt like I was failing as a wife and mom. My kids were having a terrible time with homeschooling at first and so was I. However, this is the best for them as individuals and for our family’s current schedule etc. My kids were not putting in the effort to complete their work without distractions, and I was not putting in enough effort to stay on top of everyone’s shit. I assumed they would hit the ground running. Sometimes as parents, we forget that children are not little adults. They are little humans who are learning. Just like adults hate major changes, kids do too. We had to take a break and figure things out collectively. I kept saying I am going to be more involved, I am going to do this and that. But the fear of failure and lack of effort made me my own worst enemy. The fear of failure is not always a bad thing though. Being afraid to fail keeps us from settling. It keeps us for settling for things that are just ok or good enough to get by. Not settling for shit plays a big part in being successful at things and putting your best foot forward. When something is good enough, the better thing is no longer an option because you settled.

Failing teaches important lessons. I know that I won’t succeed at parenting and other things all the time. However, I can try to control what I choose to do with the failure and decide if it truly was failure or a success. From my kids being home, I learned more about their individual learning styles. I found out more about things they are disinterested in and what they are more interested in and passionate about. I also learned how much alcohol and coffee fuels the day lol! I have readjusted my schedule, plans, and even several of my small businesses.

I have suffered a small number of personal embarrassments and a little bit of humiliation I handled myself in these moments ok, and used it as a wonderful lesson to strengthen my character, fuel my ambitions, and learned how to love harder. Everyone is going through something at the moment. When you really dig in and learn the truth about yourself, you will tap into how much integrity you possess or lack.

I have made more of an effort to listen to my children. Kids tell it like it is. Unfiltered truth about certain things and situations. Now my kids do say some off the wall shit from time to time that is hilarious, they also say things that hurt but have a well meaning message. My kids noticed that I had become inactive and that I wasn’t taking the best care of myself. That I wasn’t taking my anxiety and depression meds properly and that I seemed unhappy. This stung like hell. I took it as a big sign that I needed to get my shit together.

I was working on shit that didn’t inspire me anymore. I started cleaning up my friend’s list on social media and in real life. I had over 10k followers on IG and I ended up removing a lot of people who were following me or I was following them. Protect your peace. If someone does not add to your peace and happiness, if you feel a certain way when you see their post etc, delete them and move on. This may seem like a strange choice for a person like me who blogs and such and numbers mean a lot in that world. This started to mean less to me because it is always quality of quantity. I want people who want to genuinely follow me, follow along. I want those who truly want to support me support me. I have been working on defining my content, my Etsy shop, my body, my mind and my circle.

I start my days by reading an positive affirmation. I try not to begin my day on a negative note but it does happen from time to time. This can be due to not properly planning, rushing, procrastinating and not managing stress well. If you start your day off on a positive note and remember the good feelings, you will make a connection that you have set the tone and should try to maintain it for the rest of the day.

Make an effort to stop settling for less than you deserve. This can be relationships, friendships and careers. Use negative experiences as a way to define boundaries. If things always went our way, we would have no room to learn how to love and appreciate the things we have that are amazing while we have them.

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WTF is a Quarter Life Crisis?

I hit the big 30 last August and I am only 50 days away from my 31st trip around the sun. My emotions have been all over the place as well as my thoughts about where my future is headed. I have had to assume new roles, take on more responsibilities and adjust the expectations of my wants and needs. I look back on all of the degrees I have obtained and the careers I didn’t have, and suddenly felt like I sort of failed to reach goals that I set for myself years ago. I should have been almost done with med school or at least a PsyD program by now, but the twins threw that out the window (for now). Quarter life crisis happens when you are in your 20’s or early 30s and the soul searching and stresses of life really start to build up and manifest themselves. Most people who have these crises are highly driven individuals like myself. I have been struggling because I feel like I am falling behind and not reaching my full potential. This, unfortunately, is true for a lot of moms, especially stay at home moms.

When you think about a life crisis, you usually automatically think about older people. Ya know? Like the movie American Beauty. Kevin Spacey had a mid-life crisis. He started to work out, become defiant and overall tried to act younger; even going so far as to do the cliche thing of buying a sports car or old school muscle car. This by far is not a mid-life crisis. There is no divorce, moving to an island or buying a cute ass 2-seater. This is soul searching and truly rooting into the adult that I am officially becoming. This is realizing that I am not 20 anymore. I am a mom of 7 kids, a wife, and a super educated SAHM. This isn’t WHO I am though. I am still Breyona, the blunt, spunky, rattlesnake that is sweet as a cupcake and a boatload of fun (when I want to be). I am also Breyona who has anxiety and depression and needs a bit more motivating and encouragement at times to keep pushing forward. I am Breyona who had to learn to love her new postpartum body and belly that will never go back to “normal”. This is who I am. I could have decided to continue to sulk in my imagined and sometimes overexaggerated misery; but instead, I got up one day and said, “you know what? Fxck this shxt.“

 

I cut my hair completely off…..I know I said I wasn’t going to have another Britteny Spears moment, but guess what…I did. I did the big big chop. I was always terrified of cutting my hair off. I thought I HAD to always have long hair. Ya know, because long hair is kind of like a beauty standard for most. A sign of “good health” etc. Well for me it was a pain in the ass. It took forever to style which resulted in me wearing basic ass hairstyles and not wanting to be bothered with it and not taking care of it properly. I didn’t cut my hair because I was joining the natural hair movement. I cut my hair to liberate myself from the responsibility of having to fxck with it all the time and not liking what I saw in the mirror. I felt invincible when I took those clippers and cut all of my hair that was left off. TBH I have never felt more beautiful. I feel fxcking fantastic. I have been fortunate enough to be able to rock short or long hair and still look really cute. At first, I felt like I looked like a lil boy, but as it started to grow and I saw how easy it is having short hair with no cares, I fell in love. I fell in love with this shaved head of mine. I fell in love with being able to see all of my imperfections and not being able to cover up and hide my birthmark that is on my forehead that I had covered for years.

Before I chopped off all of my hair, I did something else I had always wanted to do but wasn’t sure if I was going to do it or not. I got my nipples pierced…..yup I got my cold detectors pierced. Now it was completely random when I got it done, but I am so in love with my boobs now yall! The baby making chapter of my life closed one year ago and so did the whole making milk to keep a tiny human being alive. I finally got MY body back. Me piercing my nipples officially closed that chapter for me…not getting my tubes tied, not my beau getting a vasectomy, but me getting my nipples pierced. Unlike permanent sterilization, you can not see it. It’s not very tangible. But my titty ornaments are seen every time I am in my birthday suit or have sexy time with my beau. I know there will be no more babies and I am 10000000% fine with that. My nipple piercings have allowed me to remember I am still sexy. I am still young and spunky. Some people find intimate piercings to be trashy or slutty but to each their own. Not to mention they have made sexy time…just omg extra extra extra amazing (It was already the bomb beforehand….we have 7 kids haha).

Now that I have cut off my hair and pierced my tits, I have a physical reminder that I am fierce as hell and I spew confidence like I never have before. I walk with my head held higher and a little bit more pep in my step. Truth be told, I really needed this quarter-life crisis. Cutting off my hair and getting the piercing I have always wanted was the body positive shift that I was missing and needed. I was always worried about how my fupa looked but now I don’t pay that any attention since I have my new accessories. Now please keep in mind titty piercing hurt like a bxtch. If you don’t have a good pain tolerance this piercing is not for you. I got them both done the same day. Some people do one and back out on the other because it hurts so bad. I am not a quitter, so I took the pain and screamed like a baby gangster.

One of the biggest things that I have noticed that contributes to quarter-life crises is comparison. Social media is the devil when it comes to comparing your life to others. We all do it at some point. It is more common than you think. You compare your progress in life to others…their careers, relationships, homes, cars, education, kids etc. Then you sit there like damn..what am I doing wrong? I am guilty of doing this with my body. 20s seemed to be about competition. Now that I am in my 30s, it’s all about living my best life and solidarity. My degrees don’t define me, nor does me being a stay at home mom and entrepreneur.  I am no longer wondering “There’s got be more to life than this?”.  Sometimes we think we have it all and sometimes there is still something missing.

Finally, I have figured out what was missing and have spent the past year putting the pieces together. So my friends and savages, don’t be afraid of the quarter-life crisis…sometimes it is exactly the bxtch slap in the face you need to really start living and not just existing.

 

 

 

 

Open Letter To My Beau

Dear Zaine,

First off thank you for always keeping the toilet seat down. As a young girl I don’t think I ever dreamed much about marrying prince charming because I didn’t think that I would ever get married. My amazing husband, you are the man that decided to marry my crazy ass. I believe you have chosen well, not to toot my own horn. I love your scent of coffee, bacon, and burnt down houses when you come home from your shifts at the fire station. Your smile makes me smile. I also have to add that your constant comments about my ass is very motivating and your booty rubs are romantic. You are a real life super hero to me and you rarely ask for anything in return. You don’t complain (a lot lol) when you come home to a wrecked house or when I rant about having a bad day with the kids, and the days you have to deal with me and my issues. Instead, you take care of me and help me gather up my sanity and hold me together. Even after all these years of us being together, you continue to amaze me with your sense of humor, kindness, generosity, and love for me. You didn’t know this because you were unconscious, but when I had to sleep downstairs after the c-section, I watched you sleep and I told you how much I loved you. You slept on the floor next to me, while I slept on the couch. You never once complained or left me hanging.

I watched you sleep like the creep that I am because sometimes I can’t believe that you are mine. I know my anxiety and depression causes me to think about the sadness we have shared sometimes, but I want to say thank you for continuing to fight with me and for me. Thank you for all of the kind things you have said and done to show me how much you love me and care about me. I can’t help but to feel special and consider myself lucky to have you in my life. I am lucky to have the world’s best guy as my best friend and husband. I love you so much and that will never change no matter how much you annoy me at times 🙂

I appreciate everything about us being together. I cherish all the good times we have had and bad times where we had to be there for each other. The times when we have struggled and the times where we had to learn how to understand and love each other. Our relationship has become stronger than what we could have ever imagined. With each passing year, I have realized how much I have loved you and wanted you. You are truly my best friend and love of my life. You are my past, present and future. You are my hope, my indulgence, and my strength. You have also given me precious gifts that money can’t buy. These 7 gifts will always be treasured in my heart and memories which will always live within my soul. I love watching you be a father to our children and had plenty of fun making them (haha).  When I see you being a father, it makes me fall in love with you all over again. 

Thank you for always being there for me and listening to me even when I talk nonsense and rant. Thank you for encouraging me when I doubted myself and felt like giving up. Thank you for being my biggest supporter and cheerleader in every way. Thank you for joining the Army for the sake of fighting for our country and providing for our family. Thank you for working so very hard being a Firefighter/EMT to give us a comfortable life; even though it comes with the price of you missing holidays, special occasions, and milestones. You are one of the hardest working men that I know and I am so proud of you. You have worked diligently these past few years to obtain your engineering degree to give us a even better life and you are almost at the finish line!

I just want you to know that I see how hard you are working. I notice all of your efforts and it means the world to me. You mean the world to me.

Happy 32nd Birthday Babe!