Monthly Archives: July 2017

The “lit” Marriage: Never stop dating

 

Think back to your life before marriage and kids. You know the stage where you had titles or you were trying to snag that cutie as your own. When we first get with someone, we do whatever we can to fulfill their needs and desires to keep them happy. Fast forward to getting married and starting a family together, and you will find that the couple stops using resources they previously used in the chase; and those resources along with that time and effort is placed somewhere else (changing shitty diapers, buying things for the kids etc). The relationship once thrived on the “high” of being in love. Although these new priorities are good things (hey who doesn’t love babies?!), it can be draining and less fulfilling when one or both spouses lose their sense of being prioritized. Less time will be spent together, small gestures will become infrequent, and the things you once enjoyed doing together or had in common become a distant memory. All of this can cause a divide. Even the happiest of couples at some point experience becoming emotionally distant and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, because it does happen and it is completely NORMAL. Now when you reach this point of your relationship, this is critical and needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.

It is pretty easy for most couples to get caught up in the demands of being parents, school, work and personal hobbies. These demands become your normal and eventually sooner or later, they stop coexisting with your relationship and you no longer make time for each other. Now this is usually by accident and due to lack of effort and motivation. Well your motivation should be keeping your marriage alive and trying to prevent a divorce from growing apart.

Kids are demanding as hell. I get it. I really do. I am a mama to 5 kids who are under the age of 8. My husband does not have the average Joe of work schedules so I value our time together. We have been together almost 10 years total and like everyone else we hit a stale period in our relationship. The problem was we had stopped dating. Yes we still had sexy time (that’s recreational activities); but we had stopped DATING each other. We had stopped the extra efforts, the small gestures and flirting. It wasn’t because we didn’t love each other anymore. It was because we were just fxcking tired.

Work schedules, pregnancy, family conflicts and life in general was causing a divide in our relationship. We had to really take a step back and look at what WE were doing wrong. We both missed going out on dates. Now with 5 kids, a random work schedule, and a lack of a solid babysitter, this can be challenging. Money isn’t usually the issue. Circumstance is. It’s a Monday and hubby is off work….who does shxt on a Monday night? Most people work Monday through Friday 9-5. Well my hubby works for 24-48 hours at a time for his shifts with the fire department and sometimes having an ENTIRE weekend or holidays off is not apart of our world. So we have to make due with what we have to work with.

This is where those critical thinking skills came in. We want to date, but have a shxtload of kids, no babysitter, a shxtty schedule, but funds to play with…DATE NIGHT IN!

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Who says you need to always go out to go on a date? This isn’t a reality for a lot of people for varies reason and money could be a big factor and that’s okay. You don’t have to break the bank to enjoy each other’s company. Who says date night has to be a whole night? Date night can be just a few minutes, or hours put aside each week or month for you two to do something together that is special. I have found that we enjoy our “date night” more when we do simple things. Hell, even taking a shower together counts. The biggest factor is time and effort. Don’t worry I will be sharing with y’all some date night ideas that are fun, easy, and cost effective.

In the meantime….

Here are some of the perks of continuing to date your spouse

Reduced stress

Better communication

You learn how to have fun together

You learn even more about each other

You become very resourceful

You feel more committed

More sexy time

Remember gardens don’t grow on their own. You have to tend to them for them to continue to grow. This applies with marriage and relationships. If you stop taking care of your garden it will eventually die or someone else will come along and start taking care of it.

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The “lit” Marriage: Love more, fight less

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Every couple fights. If someone tells you that they don’t then they are lying. There is nothing wrong with having disagreements and such here and there because it’s normal. Most healthy couples argue. Some do it more often than others and that is okay too. Conflicts in the marriage can make or break the relationship. It is all about how you choose to react and move forward. We all make mistakes. Some people make them repeatedly. Now please note that when someone repeatedly does the same thing(s) it is no longer considered a mistake it is a behavior.

I used to have a bad temper. Like really bad. I am still a little short fused, but over time I have learned to chill out. I hate fighting. It is draining, but it is apart of being in a relationship with someone. In my relationship, we argue every blue moon, and we def know how to piss each other off. This is to be expected after almost 10 years together. Oddly enough, I wouldn’t want to fight with anyone else. We both have very strong personalities so if we aren’t careful someone could potentially get their feelings hurt during an argument.

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There are rules to fighting. The basic ones can definitely help you move forward after a spat or avoid it all together. Here are some of my little tidbits for conflict resolution. Keep in mind this is in regards to common conflicts and not big deal breaker issues.

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Let’s say your SO (significant other) has pissed you off. You feel your blood boiling and you are ready to fly off the handle. You suddenly get diarrhea of the mouth and your words start running off, letting him or her have it. They start dishing it back until you both are even more upset with each other. Eventually one gives up, and you end up going to bed pissed off.

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You regret letting things get out of control as you think about things and ponder what all you could have done differently. You think about the time wasted on fighting and the fact you could have been doing something more constructive with each other (like having sexy time). Sound familiar?

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Before you engage in conflict just think about these few things

 

Pick and choose your battles: Think about the issue and ask yourself how important it is. Will this matter an hour from now? tomorrow? a few days from now? next week? next year? 5 years later? If not then let it go. I try not to argue in front of the kids because children are little sponges. They mimic what they see and hear. If you MUST argue do it away from the kids.

You do not always have to have the last word, even though it feels good to: I am the type of person who has to have the last word. I quickly learned with my SO that having the last word doesn’t mean anything and just does more damage. It’s okay if you don’t get that last word in. Sometimes it is best just to let them have it. For your sake and theirs. Don’t beat a dead horse.

Deescalate the situation quickly: IDK about y’all but I have a bunch of kids and a busy schedule. So arguing isn’t really on my agenda. Whenever conflict presents itself, I try to address it quickly and come up with a solution etc. We listen to what the other has to say without interruption, and most of the time we agree to disagree to reject the conflict, so we can move on with our day. DO NOT by all means drag things out for days, weeks, and months. Of course this doesn’t apply to every situation but for common spats it does.

Forgive and move on: This one is a common one I tell other couples. If someone messes up, and you CHOOSE to forgive them, forgive them and move on. This means not bringing it up anymore. Now if your SO eats the last piece of cheesecake or slice of pizza, yes bring it up forever!

Give a real apology when it’s your fault

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A meaningful apology is important. Saying I am sorry and admitting you are wrong takes a lot of courage. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person even when you are not wrong and that is okay as well. Saying “My bad” is not a real sincere apology. I must admit I am horrible with apologies. I don’t say it often but when I do, you know I mean it. Apologizing shows that you are not selfish.

Don’t dish out what you can’t take: This goes back to what you learned in preschool. Treat others how you want to be treated.

Keep your hands to yourself: Don’t “pass a lick, if you can’t take one”. This means don’t hit or get physical. You may be surprised if someone knocks the hell out of you.

Try to find some humor in the situation: We both are big on having a sense of humor. Sometimes we try to deescalate spats with humor. By all means sarcasm isn’t the best idea here, however a corny joke or two or a silly face to make each other smile always helps.

Stay focused: Stick to the issue at hand. Don’t bring up old stuff from four score and seven years ago (BTW four score and seven years ago is 87 years)

State the facts not motives: Sometimes when we do things it is not with bad intentions but it looks bad. Assumptions are the infrastructures of conflicts.

Positive criticism: Ever heard the saying that you catch more bees with honey? Want your SO to to lay off the video games for the rest of the day, or log off Facebook etc for a few hours? This is where positive criticism comes into the picture. Throw some flattery in there with the “complaint”. For example instead of bxtching about the unsavory behavior such as “you are always playing that damn game”, try saying “I miss/like talking to you and it is hard to when you are playing the game, will you have a beer with me or just say Netflix and chill?” This usually leads to sexy time 🙂

Let your demands be heard: Be specific and ask for what you want. Ask for help when you need it as well. IDK about y’all but when I want something I ask for it or find a way to get it myself. Now if I choose to get it myself, I have NO ROOM to complain about that. When you get a commitment in advance from someone about doing things etc, they are more likely keep their word and follow through with the original plans. So if you want your SO to do something such as helping with certain tasks; sometimes it helps if you directly state what needs to be done. I know most of us will agree and say, I shouldn’t have to tell my SO what they need to do because it’s common sense etc.. Well common sense is not common. Some people’s idea of cleaning, grocery shopping and entertaining others is not the same. I know for my SO when we have house day, I have a honey do list and that’s how I avoid the “I do everything no one helps me keep the house clean” conflict.

Try to refrain from arguing or having important conversations via text: This one is a pet peeve of mine. Conversations via text can be blown out of proportion or taken extremely the wrong way. When you text someone, they can easily confuse your demeanor and your tone. If you are arguing try not to do it via text. I know sometimes it is easier to get your point and thoughts across with written words instead of spoken ones. However, when you talk face to face it means more and you can see the other person’s facial expressions, body language and hear their tone. Also this a good thing because you can be there in person to give/get a hug, kiss, or have sexy time afterwards.

and lastly,

Go to bed mad: yeah yeah, I know they say when you get married don’t go to bed angry. Well I do sometimes after a fight. Sometimes we both need time to cool down and a few minutes or hours isn’t enough. (Especially if it is that time of the month, thank you mother nature). Sometimes you both need space and forcing snuggles when you are mad about that cheesecake isn’t ideal. Get some rest, recharge, regroup and start the day over tomorrow on a positive note.

Have make up sexy time

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Make up sex is some of the best sex you will ever have. Make up sex allows you to reconnect with each other on a intimate level and show each other you still care. It is also a great stress reliever which most of the times, stress caused the conflict to begin with.